kiwikat

So I am single, it’s been a week on the hour.

What is it that scares me so much with that concept of being single? It did not use to, but now standing on my own two feet all alone is frightening and shameful. Hence I am reliving a relationship that I no longer wish to regain, which is completely irrational.

From two of my friends during the course of the evening, I realised the dimension of compromise that surrounds us. I see all these couples, functioning relationships, wanted people and love. It hurts. It makes me feel like a failure. As if I am worth less for not managing to convince myself or my partner that I can settle for second best The truth is I cannot compromise myself for others, not concerning my needs and the basic things necessary for my happiness. Putting my self value first, as a consequence means putting a relationship second. This is where I believe people differ. As my lovely friends openly admitted they consider a relationship essential for their own self esteem and happiness. Even when such a relationship lacks in love or the partner does not at all embody those characteristics they consider crucial in a healthy relationship. They are willing to compromise themselves, for what they perceive to be their happiness, as they see a relationship as necessary for happiness.

I acknowledge the fact that compromise is at the very essence of relationships. Since nobody is flawless and can embody all our dream ideals, obviously certain requirement may be abandoned. It probably won’t matter that the person you fall for lack in areas you consider preferable, because perfection is unrealistic and love makes us blind.  The kind of compromise I am criticising is not the kind made between two people with feelings for one another, a compromise made in order to live happily ever after. The compromise, the differences between individuals and the challenges that impose is what makes a relationship special and feelings grow stronger. That compromise is something I salute, and would like to congratulate all couples for.

Compromise made between your own personality and your perceived happiness is however something I defy. When people start to adjust themselves, their ideals and values, rather than the little things that for them are insignificant, when people compromise on the essence of themselves I become troubled. Surely the thing that matters the most and where harmony should be looked for is within us and not within others. To compromise our needs, character, believes and definition of love for anything less than a healthy relationship with a person that makes you happy should be deemed unjust to yourself. Yet so many people tend to do this, and lose themselves in the process of developing a relationship. Hence when we become single, it is scary and we feel little lost.

We put too much emphasis on relationships. It is not a relationship that matter, having someone else there to support you and love you is not a justifiable reason to compromise who you are. It will never produce happiness, even though being in a relationship may seem preferable and easier than being alone. We are all alone. Unless we embrace that fact and face that fear, we can never be truly happy. The best way to show where your priorities lay, is to stop settling for second best. Dare to be vulnerable and responsible for your own happiness.  By doing so we also enable the possibility of others making us happy, and experiencing healthy relationships with people who are more suitable for us.