Ok I know most of the time we want to be pretty and it work to your advantage. You get to skip the que to get into a club, and can instead walk the red carpet. You get free drinks, help carrying heavy stuff and get take on the most adventurous dates by men you hardly know.

 

However being pretty, has its disadvantages too.

 

Like the old lady at the post office today who was so angry at me, and seriously had never heard of the word customser service. Or the librarian the other day who had a go at me for standing talking in the little phoneboot they have for talking in the library, I mean they have a pay phone there for the purpose. Still she told me not to talk. Ok You may think this is just me being sensitive but it isnt, and I will prove it to you.

 

First of all it is only women, the older the bitter, who treat me badly. Secondly I am a nice person who smile and the people at the post room know me by name and stop to talk to me, and the librarians checking our bags for stolen books normally joke around with me. So most of the time I get decent treatment, which is partly why I am so curious as to why these bitter old women act so rude.

 

And the answer was they they are pejducie against pretty people.

I am not claiming that I think I am pretty, but I know that is the general perception. Furthermore with my new daily outfits, blonde hair, huge sunglasses and makeup, not to forget the heels I alwasy wear -well I suppose it may annoy people. We are supposed to fit in, to be seen but not heard, to blend in with the bunch, and wear jeans, sneakers and a boring top. If you do not, people will judge you. Beacuse you will get attention.

 

People will judge you, not because of who you are, but as the person they want you to be.

I do this myself sometime. I see someone I envy, who make me feel a little depressed or well not enough, and comfort myself with giving her attributes that will make her less perfect. If someone is pretty, we think they are stupid. If someone care about fashion, they can not possibly care about sports. If someone is wealthy they can not be kind, generous and involved in charity. If someone is thin they must have an eating disorder. The hot guy who isnt interested must be gay. You can not even deny having thought like this yourself, because I know we all have. Its some sort of self preservation.

 

The sad thing is that if you give people these labels, then you also start treating them accordingly. Which is the reason these women were so rude towards me. Of course we could say that perhaps they were just having a bad day, but then why were they so nice to the guy they were helping after me, or why did they completely ignore the person who walked into the library (i stayed outside) talking on the phone! Why was I the only one getting the negative special treatment?

 

My point exactly!

 

 

It has recently occured to me that I have a type, a specific set of criteria which appeals to me as far as men are concerned.

Of course this is nothing new.

 

However I have begun to question if this is a positive or negative thing, especially when I realise my ex boyfriends have a lot in common with one another. I suppose it is a concern over not being open minded enough or that I unconciously still want one of my ex's. I do not want to like someone because they remind me of someone else, I do not want someone who isnt an individual human being.  More than anything else, I dont want to fall for men with the same flaws as the former. Because not only would that be destructive, as I would end up ruined once more, but also because it would mean that I am uncapable of learning from my mistakes.

 

In that sense I suppose having a type is both positive and negative. I know what I fall for, and I know what I should avoid.

 

I know that a sporty guy, who shares some of my common values, who loves children and outdoors, who is happy and relaxed, humble, and still has that child hidden under a cute smile -well it gets me going. Especially if he can dress nicely, is comfortable in expressing himself and can challenge me intellectually. It makes me fall. What I need is for the fall to be the kind where I do not need to be caught, where I can fall, because the flaws that are normally there to curse everything, are non existent.

 

Unfortuenatly for me it seem to be that the things I am attracted to come hand in hand with a certain number of factors that I have now learned to avoid. Such as men who has no history of previous relationships, who has no ability to express feelings or discuss issues at hand, who can not trust, who are afraid of growing up and taking responsibility, who can not compromise, who do not dare to share or care. I just get so blinded that I do not consider these charactersitics to matter, but they do. It is ok to be picky.

 

So when I may have found someone who seem to be without these flaws, who make me laugh and who I can talk to about anything or nothing at all -I can not help worrying that since he fit into a certain type of men I am attracted to, the probability of him holding the flaws are rather high.

Right now it is like my dream has turned into a nightmare, where nothing is as it should. I have this perfect guy. He is everything I could ask for; I could tick off every box in the questionnaire. We share a common interest in politics, he is intelligent and intellectual, he is sporty, he can cook and he has a healthy relationship to his mother. Most importantly he treats me like a princess. Reliable, committed, romantic and caring. Sends me flowers, tuck me in when he thinks I am asleep, give me cute kisses on my nose, call me to say goodnight and send me cute text messages to let me know he is thinking of me. He is even willing to plan a “we” 6 months from now. There is in short nothing I can complain about, this guy is the sweetest thing ever.

I ended up sitting complaining to my girlfriend of how he was “too much of a nice guy”. People turned around and looked at e like I was some lunatic, who did not understand how rare it was to find a good guy. It is not that I do not appreciate all the sweetness, especially after my last experience being very sour. It is just that I don’t know how to handle all this sweetness after having been with men who do not even escort me home in the middle of the night when I am intoxicated and we have had sex. I am used of men who like me because I seem to be a strong, independent woman, and who are looking for someone who can take care of herself. All this sweetness is overwhelming, and I think it is giving me a sugar rush and a toothache.

It is just all happening at once. I can not appreciate the little steps forward in this relationship, but instead feel pressured into feeling too much, too soon. As a result I start to feel uncomfortable and ungrateful with all the sweetness, despite it being every woman’s dream. I become guilty because I do not appreciate it and I can not reciprocate it because I am never given the time to do so. It all ends up with me doubting myself, wondering if I really do want a sweet guy, and if I deserve one.

What ever happened to a relationship being fun?

This guy has turned into a perfect friend, despite being marriage material. What did I do wrong this time? I either make them run away from me too fast, or instead they run towards me too fast. It is me who does not know what I want, or am I unclear in spelling it out? Could I cast off all responsibility, and instead blame it on the one common denominator: both Mr Sweet and Mr Sour had never been in a long term relationship with a woman before. I should draw from this lesson, and only allow men to come close who have previous experience of women and of relationships. I do not want to have to teach, I want to play with someone who knows the rules. I ignore the rulebook all the time, but it always ends up being right. Does it has to be Sweet or Sour, or is there such as thing as a Sweet and Sour lurking behind the corner?

Should I give up on sweetness and go and have a look, or just see if Mr Sweet makes me appreciate the taste more if I get it in smaller portions. Perhaps if I am Sour and he is Sweet we can work out, and all that needs to change is the pace for now. Or maybe sweetness just is not for me and I should give up and go looking for salty. Neither sweet nor sour.  Right now it is like my dream has turned into a nightmare, where nothing is

You won the battle,

 

With your sound arguments that burdened me with blame

By strategic aim, not holding anything back to shame.

 

I begged and crawled in dirty guilt.

Through chilling neglect,

Past piles of respect.

 

You deplored the tactic of the old,

Of staying firm and holding your fort.

 

Without bending for the weakness of the heart,

As you had decided it was best to part.

 

I pleaded with reason, I battled with grace,

Exposed to be wounded,

Yet never dead.

 

You employed a shield as protection,

By using my weakness of complexion.

 

Without ever fighting you took the score

In reality however,

 

You will lose this war.

due to ir, the study of international relations, war is something that reoccur as a thought rather often. Not just the theories of why we go to war, but also the question is there likely ever to be a war again?

 

In the sense of WW1 and WW2, I believe it is safe to say no. But then again the current wars in Africa, Middle East etc are still wars of men and machines rather than nuclear weapons and chemicals. People are still being trained in how to handle guns, throw bombs and protect our borders. If war was not considered at all likely, this would not be the case. So yes there is a general acceptance of the realist view of state security and survival being somewhat connected to power and military force.

 

I think what I find so difficult with the issue of war, is what the war would actually be about. What would be the reason for war in a world so connected by interdependence? Aliens? A nuclear bomb ruining half of Europe or all of the Usa and thus making the rest motivated to protect their own way of life. Either way I see a world war. I do not see a war at home, anywhere near me. I do not see a threat. I accept the theories of much greater people, and can understand their arguments, but personally I still do not feel threatened. I feel concerned enough by not being able to define the type of war and the type of enemy, to agree that a military force of the state is a sensible thing. But that is about it.

 

I grew up with stories about war. About losses, bombs, cattle trains full of people, working camps, rape, guns, and armies. But it is still very surreal. I can not understand how it must be for a kid who is afraid of stepping on a landmine when walking with the goats, or for a kid who is afraid of being taken as a child soldier on his way to school. If there was a war, I would not even know what to do. What would I be able to do? What do I know that would be of any use? I am not a doctor, not an engineer, not in the military. I am a liablity.

 

War may not be likely to occur in my life, but it has become such an abstract concept that we forget that it actually does still pose a real threat to many others.

Is there such a thing as a perfect day? Maybe its bad luck to talk about them before they are over? Anyway I usually say that there is not even such a thing as perfect, it is all relative. Nonetheless I am having th prefect day!

 

After som early running in the cosy rain and almost slipping on colourful pretty leaves, I get a phone call from my dear "brother" Chris, asking if its ok that he can come around even earlier. Ok no panic, being without makeup, sweaty and in a messy house, I answer "sure where r u now" only to find out he is 5 minutes away. That is just wonderful. So when he arrives I am thrilled to finally see him and flattered of course that he is so keen on seeing me despite only arriving into town at 1 am the night before.

 

After some hours of doing nothing but catching up, we have a nice long walk into town. Ejoying the autumn weather, and the long que at the post office. Anyhow we both had to exchange some money into different currencies,as we both are international in our life style, and walk to NK, swedish equivalent to Harrods. Then after leaving a big red kissing imprint on his cheek, I turn, leaving him happy starring at him self in the mirror of the makeup section. Knowing I will see him later.

 

Time for some heavenly shopping. The mission was underwear, but obviouslt got expanded to include cardigans, a suite, tights, a black dress (you can never have enough of those) and even a tie. Many bags later after a lunch date with a friend, I am back home. The electricity is off in all of my part of town, but that doesnt matter at the time. Instead that is the perfect excuse to read a little, and take a deep breath. Then when I can see that the traffic lights are working again, its time for some time in the sun. Coming out of that bed, I feel just as pale as ever but like the fresh air. The flower shop was the next stop, where they give me the usual discount and are so friendly. Then the computer firm, where I dont have to pay or sign anywhere just point at the external harddrive, and its automatically billed to the family firm. Life is easy.

 

Now I will have a nice bath in the jacqusi, followed by trying my new clothes. Maybe study an hour before its time to make some complicated desert. Dad will cook dinner, and Chris will once again be over to the entire family's joy. When he has left I will probably snuggle up in bed letting my sister scratch my back and I hers, whilst we watch an old Aurdey Hepburn movie. This day is just the way I like them. I know I am lucky.

I hope you have not yet had enough of the subject of Burma. Because here we go again. To no use.

 

It seems like people atleast now know where to place Burma on the map, and have a little better knowledge of the situation and history of the country. People care enough to wear red on a specific day, and it has become an everyday topic during the last couple of days. That is great, because the awful situation in Burma is finally given some international attention.

 

However I am upset with the lack of attention the issue is given. Or rather not upset with the lack of international support for the population, but rather upset with the lack of international intervention by the U.N. and EU. What is actually being done that matters? Sending a representative to see what the situation is like, and discuss with authoritarian rulers? Is that the way forward in a country who does not fear to kill their own holy monks? Who does not care about international pressure, or even domestic pressure? Is it really all we should be doing to send someone to pass on the word offically that we the libeal, democratic nations of the world are concerned with the current oppression of the population and the lack of humanity shown by the government who rule them?

 

There has been no sanctions, no humanitarian aid (perhaps not the way forward), no red cross, no withdrawl of officials, no nothing. It seems to me like the UN and all forms of international politics are paralysed, and is losing all credibility. I feel a bit sad to write that, as I am a student of politics and international relations. This is not written as an essay motivating and discussing theories, causes and policies. It is written more as a compassionate, opinionated human being, who is disappointed in the world I believe in and would like to one day represent. Because it seem to have fallen under to compromises with regimes like Russia and China, who can themselves be questioned for their dedication to democracy and human rights, and for authoritarian rulers. Concepts and values which is said to be considered essential and uncompromisable to every human being in the world, are not protected and not even cared for.

 

I know of course that we can not fight for everyone else in the world, and that it would be unfair even to help Burma but then not help another country suffering from opression. There is a question of definition of when a country should be in need for international intervention, and when a country's soverignity should be respected. There is also an economic side to it all, with intervention whether that is sanctions, troops, aid, -it all puts a burden on people. It has a price. Fair enough. No one wants to pay higher taxes, and no one wants the people of Burma to starve due to our concern for their well being. However the rulers daughter got married this July, which is thought to have had such a price that it may very well have been what made the price for gas be raised and in return the monks protest.

 

The reason nothing is being done, that the libeal democratic countries in the world are not demonstrating and articulating a concern of whats happening in Burma in a firm and decisive mannor is due to politics and international relations. China and partly Russia, oppose sanctions and international pressure. The influence and weight of China seems questionable to me when the Burmese soldiers are seen holding Chinese weapons, and when the authroitarian rulers spend enourmous amounts on the military to consolidate their power. Does China want a democratic country so close to its own boarders?

 

I am not saying the Burmese people want or immediately would form a democracy, because that takes time. I am just saying that reform when it comes suddenly without a former platform, often becomes an unstable earthquake, unstoppable, as when the Soviet collapsed. All the Burmese people want is to open up for a discussion with the government. They want to be able to express their opinions and for the government to listen. We all sympathize with them right now. But we are too busy, too far away, and too concerned with our own well being to get involved and actually do something. Tomorrow when the people have been silenced and will be punished hard and cruel for their disobedience, we will have another subject to talk about at lunch breaks. And it will be too late for the international community to intervene, becasue there will be no clear opposition, no people who we will see and feel motivated to support.

 

In order for Burmese situation to change the domestic turbulence and discontent must be supported by international pressure, simultaneously. That doesnt seem to happen, and it makes me extremly annoyed.

I am home in bed, the third day of headache, dissy spells, soar throat and fever. I have had to cancel all kinds of fun social events. A vip to a club in town, a trip up to see some old friends in an antique student city, a dinner cooked by a friend, a lunch with another, and shopping excursions as well as an art exhibition. Not to mention that I have not been able to write the 7000 words essay I was planning to get ready by today.

Anyway, point being my life for the last three days have not at all been as eventful as originally planned. I mean I am about to go back to the isolated, little bubble of Essex University, in the least cosmopolitan part of England ever. Hey not even the bartenders seem to know what cosmopolitan means, not that its the first cocktail I ask for. So bottom line I have been deprived of my social life.

Then suddenly it bounced at me. People I have not had contact with in five year, a booked weekend holiday during the term to see an old friend, and this guy who actually seem rather reasonable. Although that means this would freak him out, so lets hope he does not read it. I mean seriously, it made me wonder.

Normally on facebook, skype, msn, bebo, myspace I get stalked by guys I have nothing in common with and who I am not that interested in or find even the slightest attractive. Of course being attractive and intelligent, intellectuall or athletic, neither of those things should mean everything. But I have not got the time for small talk, and use the internet to keep up with my friends. However, once in a while, even if it does not work out, and never lead anywhere, you discover someone who gives you hope.

Since I started using facebook, bebo and now myspace, I have felt like I am obviously not challening myself in the correct way because everyone who tries to talk to me are people I have no interest in getting to know closer. Today that changed. That was the first time in years, that someone through the interent managed to do that.

Point being, when I started thinking I was picky and giving up on there being any guys out there who I would want to get to know better (especially in the UK), I was proven wrong. Thank you

Ok so no news perhaps to those who know me welll, but I personally think it is. You see I realised something today, after pathetically enough adding this application on facebook called "Y are you interested". Probelm is that of all the guys between 22-27 that I have looked at I have only clicked yes to less than a dussin.

 

This is of course just after looking at one picture of each person, and it should not all be about looks. Still I am pretty sure that I am not interested in most of the guys I have ignored. Why? They may be sweet, intelligent, funny, athletic and charming but I am not attracted to them, so as far as I can tell No I am not interested. Of course that does not mean that I do not from time to time meet someone who does not fit into my usual type of guy.

 

However that is just it, despite having been with guys who are very different I have a type. And I am picky. Not always of course, but in general, I want a certain type of guy. I suppose it comes with the phase of my life I am in as well, being so busy and all. When it comes down to some causual unserious fun, I am not as picky, then the guy does not have to be prefect as long as the sex is good and he is a nice person. However that happen when it happens, and is not something I would initiate myself with the first guy I meet, so I would still be looking for certain features.

 

I feel so shallow when I say this, but fact is we all look for people we find attractive. And we are not attracted to everyone out there. I mean I am not attracted to women, so all the wonderful, amazing, sexy, intelligent girls out there I just do not care about. Then we have my other criterias and I am careful not to mention them all, but some of the more obvious: not shorter than me in heels, not overweight, preferably not less mature than me or younger, charming and honest and open. defineatly have brains.

 

Bottom line ok so I am picky, but so are you, right?

It is time for one of my favourite topics of all time, sex. 

 

We all know how important sex is. I mean those who save them selves for marriage must put a higher importance in one way into having sex then I do. Although I consider sex crucial for a healthy relationship. Anyway we all want it, we all need it and we all enjoy it (and guys a girl actually do not have to get an orgasm to enjoy sex that is a misperception).Lately I seem to have had as much as three lovely ladies who seem to have forgotten the importance of sex. I feel obliged to put forward my opinion, and hopefully atleast make them consider the crucial mistake they may be doing.  

 

You see, when someone say "I dont want to have sex with him yet" my red alaret starts ringing. I just dont understand this saving one self thing going on. We are all over 20. We have all had sex. AND SEX IS SO IMPORTANT FOR A RELATIONSHIP. In fact last nite i realised that my best relationships have been the ones with awesome sex!!! and where im not the only one who thinks with my lower body parts rather than with my brain. Sorry for expresssing the fact that I have a huge sex drive, but its true. Great sex is essential, so why on earth hold it off...I mean I get it its because u like the guy and you want it to be special. But seriously! If you build up expectations it will never be that great as you have hoped for. It takes a couple of weeeks to get into routine and learn how to handle the new hardware =) so why on earth not try it out with Mr X? and if it doesnt work out then atleast you might have had some great sex or maybe even some multiple orgasms...i mean how can u say no to that?

 

More importantly if the sex isnt good I mean that is the end of it. Beacsue honestly regardless of how great everything else is if the sex isnt working properly. if you have to fake it. or if only one person constantly wants to have sex. or if he is obsessed with anal sex(havent tried that yet dont want to) then it will ruin everything else whether you want it to or not. Great sex is so important actually. So id say go and take Mr X for a test drive...i can hear that engine spinning =)
or am i out of my mind??

 

 

sometimes  we find ourselves forced to make decision we did not want to make. People, situations and circumstances change that is beyond our reach. Relationships with other people can be one of those things, whether people die, move to a different country or just turn into awful selfish beings.

 

It just becomes evident that you have to give it up, that it is no point in trying or fighting anylonger. As always to do so when it is something that matters and which you value, can be painful and difficult. Like when you have your best friend going through your wardrobe and throwing out every precious piece of clothing you have not actually used in two years time.  Or when that person who used to be a close friend, suddenly is nothing more than just another useless selfish person you know but who does not actually care about you. Or when you realise that although you love your partner, the relationship is not working and making both of you unhappy.

 

That is what I am facing right now, and I did see it coming. That does not mean that I wanted to see it coming, or that I have not tried my best to keep the storm at bay. But you can only try for so long, because finally you realise that as long as you are the only one making an effort and who is unhappy with the situation, nothing will change back to what it was. Hence now when I have put in my greatest effort without any result, I think it may be time to give up.

 

The limit of what I can do has been reached.

 

Still I hate to admit that, I hate to lose something I value. Someone I hold dear. I hate to accept that that someone has changed, and no longer is who I used to want to share everything with. That he has changed, and actually no longer care or make me feel the way he used to. Instead I blame myself, and question if I should not try for just a little bit longer and see if he go back to being who I still pretend he is. But when you feel like someone is taking everything and giving nothing in return, and that you have no strength to give anything more it is time.

 

Time to give up.

Accept that people and places change. And sometimes there is nothing else to do than to give up, regardless of how much you wish for things to be differently. You do not control others or what happens to you, only how you decide to face it all. You can let others run you over, and take away all your energy and strength without giving anything in return. Or you can decide that enough is enough, and accept that it is when its time to give up.

 

I have had the most wonderful of mornings. Ok so it is summer and the sun has been forced to give way to endless rain, I am buried in uni work, and quite frankly exhausted. I am sick of studying, I am sick of the weather and I just feel like I have had enough. Enough of everything.  

 

I have been feeling overwhelmed. I realised my limits the only way possible: by testing how far I could go. I did not let my mother's advice hold me back, nor the rules of how much you are actually allowed to study. I mean after all those rules should be guidelines, and noone else, not even the state, should tell me what I can and can not do. With that in mind, I foolishly enough and fearelessly, dug my own grave.

 

Here I am buried in schoolwork, during everyone else's summer holiday. I feel like I can not go on, like it is all just too much, and it is not a great feeling. After all I must admit that I probably should not have taken on as much as I did. But I am still glad I did, and that I never was afraid to try. Because now I know my limits, and I know how much I can cope with, before it becomes too much. I have also realised that although the limit of how much I can do and still feel good is breached, I can still cope with more if I have to. And that is where I am today.

 

What usually is holding us back, is our own fear. Fear of what can go wrong, of how things do not turn out the way we want them to. It is then safer to dream, and keep faith in a possibility despite the knowledge that you probably will never happen. Hope should be the last to leave. But now I think hope has actually left me. I mean when I am done with this then swedish uni starts again, and then we I have had 1½ month of that I plunge into British uni as well. It never ends. So I am filled with this doubt, that I can not cope, that I will not make it through. That fear is holding me back, and making it impossible for me to study at all. I am trodding the same spot, and I do not manage to get anything done. I am stuck and it is frightening.

 

Then I decided to run a certain distance on time, which I usually avoid doing. I mean I have this awful memory of PE and how I always lost any competition and the anxiety of finishing in the last group of sprinters. So I have considered it safe to run with the music as guidelines as to how long time it takes, instead of time. With no possibility of losing or comparing myself to others, I regained the joy in running. However for some strange reason I decided that today was the day I would do my best, no excuses and see what the result would be. I would face my fear of not being good enough, of not achieving according to my own expectations.

 

And today is a wonderful day. Not only did I get a much better time than I though was possible, I managed to beat the time I know it takes for the most athletic person I know to run the same distance. I never thought that would be possible! So it turned out that the fear I had for the thing itself was worse than the thing itself. With that said and done, to sit down and plunge back into my grave of books and typing, really can not be as bad as it is making me feel to think about it.

 

How long does it take for you to run 5 km?

I have always had a problem. I can not, and will not admit that men are stronger than women.

 

Yes ok, reality is different. I am aware of the fact that men have more muscles than women. We are built differently, and have always had different purposes. The male to protect and provide food, whilst the female to take care of children, and collect food. The outside versus the inside of life. There is of coursenothing wrong with this, and I can understand why this has always been the case. After all I do believe we are animals, and like all other creatures our sole purpose have been to survive and reproduce.

 

However in my own life, I can not admit that a man is stronger than a woman. All the men who know me at all, have heard say that I am just as strong as they are. Obsured, of course. It is just that I can not admit that they are stronger, because that is to say that I am weak. I do not want to have to rely upon a man, and I do not want to feel like I am at a disadvantage.

 

So today, I was sitting, talking to a friend who is in the military. There is no women in the fighting troops, but a couple who are supposed to stay behind when a battle occurs. I find this very disappointing, and frustrating, since it ruined my statement that women are just as capable as men. Then he started arguing about the men in his group. Could I imagine a woman carry a man with a weight between 70- 90 k g's, with a backpack of 30 kg's and clothes weighing another 20 kg's, in case he got hurt? And indeed I mean um,  me, my own back pack and me with equipment would be 100 kgs, and  then besides carrying my own weight, I must be capable of carrying another 140 kg's. Not a chance in hell. It would not be possible, and thus I must admit I feel beaten.

 

Hence I am willing to admit that men are stronger.

 

He did make me feel better though, because as he pointed out, we do actually want to do the same thing, just in different ways. He can be the muscles, and I can be the brain. Men are stronger, but that is not to say that I am any less than a man.

 

For most people this may seem silly to even discuss, but honestly, I do have a problem with having to rely on others, and not being able to perform as well. So silly as it may sound, for me to say "ok men are stronger" is actually a rather big thing for me.

You know when you suddenly realise that you are developing a relationship that you never thought would be possible? Perhaps you are becoming friends with a person who originally drove you mad, start hanging out with your ex or simply realise you have so much in common with your next door neighbour. Regardless of which it is an interesting event, when you are struck by the fact that this unbelievable scenario in fact actually is taking place.

 

Personally, developing such relationship are not something I find to be negative. But I do nonetheless find them a little scary. Maybe because there was a reason you did not manage to become friends earlier, maybe simply because it takes a while to get used to the thought of that someone actually being your friend. I mean yes there are people who are parts of our lives, without actually being an active part in it, such as the ex boyfriend who you occasionally meet up with, the next door neighbour who you bump into, and that annoying person you can not escape from. You get used to the netrual situation, where you are polite, and build up a habitual pattern to deal with it.

 

However when that pattern changes, you can be caught a bit off guard. I suppose we are becoming friends now, and I suppose that is why I am smiling. I just never thought it would be likely or even possible, thus I am surprised. 

Humans are selfish beings. There needs to be a threat or a problem that requries immediate action, for us to be motivated enough to actually care. A far fetched idea of something in the distant future, does not make us involved or concerned to the same extent. I believe that to be one of our biggest flaws as human beings, a severe problem for us as a race. In strong words, it might even prove to be our doom.

 

Take the sun for example. We all enjoy the warmth of the sun, and during the summer almost lay on top of each other on the small patches of sand attempting to get a tan. We may take a plunge into the water to cool ourselves down, which is where the sun is reflected even more, and which has the result that we can lay on the beach even longer enjoying the sunshine. Some of us, myself included, even pay regular visits to sun beds to ensure that the tan will last all throughout the gloomy winter. Others simply settle in places where they can enjoy the sun all through the year, and the rest of us atleast dream of going abroad to a warmer climate. Year after year, during our holidays we travel south to Malta, Egypt and Kos. The price for catching those rays of sun becomes higher and higher as the years go buy, but the demand continues to increase. And we must pay the price, because we all want and feel like we could need those relaxing moments in the sun.

 

That is our weakness; we are creatures of opportunity, who always crave for more. We have needs, never ending as it seems, because they can never be fully satisfied, and we do our best to please ourselves, because we are selfish. I rather buy another pair of jeans than spend that amount giving a kid in Africa a good life for a year. Given the choice between the greater good, and my own needs, somehow I always come first and others second. And that seem to be true for most of us. The fact that every moment in the sun increase the risk for skincancer is neglected by most of us. We put on some sun block and believe that we have done our best, but we are not willing to give up with those relaxing moments on the beach. Skin cancer is a possible threat in the distant future, and as such it is easily to neglect. It may worry us enough to put on some sun block, but not enough for us to change our habits. "After all who knows if I will live in ten years time" seem to be the general attitude. We are selfish, narrrow minded creatures, who focus on our own needs and pleasures, and who live for the moment.

 

Unless there is an imminent thret, that requires immediate action, we will not sacrifise ourselves, or change our habits. Only when we all as individuals feel a concern, and when we know that each and everyone of us will be affected, - only then do we act. When we do, we are a race to be counted with, and have the possibility to make a difference. The problem with our selfish race, is that we very rarely all manage to unite, to agree. And besides, how often is there such a threat to unite us?

 

The greater good pose several questions that must be answered, before such a threat will be acknowledged.  What is the greater good, meaning what does it encapsulate? And for who is the greater good, for us in this country, this continent, this generation or the next? What should be allowed and which actions should be taken in the name of the greater good and by who?

These questions pose many problems, because they can be answered in so many ways. Most of all because humans are not only selfish, we are also a very diverse race. This creates a tendency to complicate a unification underneath one bannor, and one common goal. To put all our differences and different priorities aside, is a challenge and has resulted in the despised art of politics.

 

By alieanating questions from the individual, matters are supposed to be more easily solved. Solutions however become more difficult to be accepted by the selfish individuals (who after all vote for the politicans, and this can influence the agenda), and often understanding is lost when the individuals are not personally involved. Humans are selfish.

Right now we are facing a major problem,

which I consider more fundamental than civil war, inequlaities and economic growth. Our planet is changing. The climate, the weather, the seasons; have all become unreliable with flooding, drought and starvation as a result. When a small minority of politicans said such things ten years ago they got little support and were often frowned upon, but they were right. Today it is on everyone's mind. I suppose that is a start.

 

But despite all the evidence of this imminent problem, we hesitate. We do little to nothing, because we keep on thinking: "why should I make sacrifises if my neighbour does not?" And "maybe it will not be a problem until I am dead, so why should I care?" This is how people tend to reason, to justify keeping up with life as usual, and it is in our nature. We take responsibility for ourselves, but not for others, and not for the distant future. Hence the far fetched idea that the ice will melt, the sea level will rise etc etc, it is somehow not something we personally take responsibility for. Instead we leave it up to our politicans, and focus on day to day matters such as pension, health care, and the bills that needs to be paid at the end of the month. We complain about taxes, and how those politicans never seem to get it right, how they do not understand us ordinary people, and we are allowed to negelct the problem.

 

Even those affected by the flooding, the unnatural amount of hurricanes, the drought, which is proof of the problem, and its severity. -Even those seem more concerend with their own survival, than with the issue at hand, which means that it is easily forgotten. That the government provide assistance is a more imminent matter, than how to change the direction in which the world is going. We care baout our own survival, because we are only humans. Somehow that is why I fear that the cause for the greater good, is lost.

 

Global warming is everyone's concern, and still this escape to be acknowledged as our own responsibility. As selfish beings the race is doomed.

 

remember the old saying "back in the good old days" which is used frequently especially when older people want to make the statement that something has gone seriously wrong with the world in comparison to the present time. Well although I have always been extremely annoyed with that saying, I recently caught myself using the same old phrase to explain something.

 

You see I was questioning why I always like the idealistic type such as the hero on a quest in movies. I mean it can be so discriminating against females, and so old fashioned it makes me nauious but still I can not help it. I still wonder why the world today is not about doing things not for yourself but for "lord, land and lady". Why the world now is all about the individual, and we are all competing against each other and the system. Principals such as justice, honour, courage and the common good -well we may believe in them, but we do not see it necessary to personally uphold them. We leave that to others, the state mostly, and can then complain when things go wrong, but we ourselves rarely find it to be our responsibility to personally take care of it all. After all it has nothing to do with us as individuals.

 

So there I was, once again watching "Lord of the Rings" and questioning what I consider worth fighting for? When I am willing to sacrifice myself for a principal that I believe in. Lucky enough, all I had to do was reflect upon it, because in reality it is very unlikely that I will be forced to make such a choice. And there is probably never going to be a man in my life who would have to posses such principals as courage, a faith in justice and honour who would have to rescue me. However that is besides the point, because that a man holds such principals is still very attractive, and perhaps even crucial.

 

I think the reason I was saying "back in the good old days" is because then it was a matter of principal, and for me it still very much is. To believe in things, to act accordingly, and take responsibility for your own life is for me still important, despite the fact that nowdays it is not required of us to do so. It used to be...back in the good old days....

What if trees could move? Just as in the movies such as The Lord of the Rings and Shrek 3, where they are moving and walking around, rootless. Instead of a tree with deep roots dug into the ground, a rootless tree who did not belong to a certain place and have stood there for all eternity.

 

I am back in Sweden, with my balcony open, listening to the traffic, people laughing and I am breathing the night air. It is indeed supposed to be home. I am unpacking 75 kg's of luggage and trying to fit it all into my draws and wardrobes. And I am soon to snuggle up in my own bed, and my stomach is so full after my mother's homecooked wonderful food. It is all very familiar, and I have experienced it so many times before, just as I will for the next 3½ months to come. However I am still sitting here not only feeling lonely, but also feeling lost- rootless.

 

I settle down in one place, just to leave it all behind again. It means I always learn how much I appreciate what I have got, but also that I am constantly missing what I have left behind. In the end it feels as if I am stretched in different directions, and do not want to dig my roots into the ground either here nor there. I am always at a loss.

 

Friends, relationships, habits, it is never stable regardless of if you stay put or travel from one place to another. For me they are always uncertain, and I am never able to just relax. Instead I am trying to do it all, everything, on my own. I can never rely on anyone in particular, can not need anything or anyone, because I never know where I will be, or who that will be around me. Hence it is like I am chasing cars. I am runing on a road going in an unknown direction, and I am never able to catch up with the traffic. I can never lay down in the backseat of a car, and just forget the world, whilst I am still on the journey and being a part of it.

 

The world, with all the places where I have been and left places of my heart and soul, is calling me. I need to catch up, but I can not because a tree can not settle down its roots in more than one place. So I am sitting here restless, missing the noise from Mosley caughing, the trains passing by, the bed above me rocking and the kitchen door crecking. Am I missing it because I know I can never go back, because even if I would plan to go back to the same place things will not be the same. Not even if I was a tree, could I hide from the surrondings transforming infront of me. It is life. Things change, people come and go. N