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30 agosto so the summer wentSuddenly the summer is over.
I have put all my sommer clothes back in storeage, and replaced the bright colours and soft fabrics with darker and heavier clothes. A leave got stuck in my toe the other day, when I wore open sandals, so now it is pumps and boots instead. The white bag is tucked away, and I am soon to begin wearing gloves. The summer is most certainly over.
No more late night swims with icecream and wine, no more sunny days in the park, no more picknicks, no more flowers to be picked or balls to be kicked.
Somehow it just went by so quickly!
I guess the fact that I did study and work all summer helped a bit, because I had no lazy days of doing nothing. As lazy as it get is right now for me, when I am only studying full time, planning my move to uni and uk, and working as always. At least now I have time to go shopping, see friends for breakfast, boyfriend for lunch and family for dinner.
I will miss this summer.
It was just perfect. 25 agosto headache + stomachache + toothacheI am going to whine, sulk and complain.
I was so correct in using the words "yeah right" yesterday. During the night it got worse, and I could not sleep, woken up by the pain when the painkiller stopped working every second hour, and by my emty stomach growling for solid food. My boyfriend lay next to me, and was annoyed when I woke him up in the middle of the night. I mean I just did not know what to do, the pain just would not go away and it made it impossible to sleep. That was one long night of tears, whilst he turned his back against me and continued sleeping.
In the morning I called my dentist as soon as the clinic opened, once again at 7 am. They told me to get there immediately, and that I did. However two busstops away from the dentist, I just had to get off the bus. I felt ill, and thank god I made it to the bushes, and it kind of looked like I was fixing my bike, before I threw up. Nobody seemed to notice, since it was in a corner of a street, but I have never felt so disgusted with myself. Then I walked to the dentist, confesed my illness and he had to poke in the big black hole, clean it and force more blood to cover it up, everything done without anaesthetic. Two stitches later, I was on my way home. The prescription for good painkillers, which would not make me throw up, was in my bag, and I saw the next nightmare approaching. It was still more than two hours until the Pharmacy would open.
Two very long hours at home, trying to sleep, trying not to cry, trying to ignore the pain. Of course I was so tired I only wanted to sleep when I finally got my beloved drugs. However I had to go to the bank, I had to buy my literature for my course at Uni, and I had to see a friend. In other words no sleep. Instead I nearely, kind of fainted in the bookshop, and gave up after finding half of the books out of the long list of fourteen. Before I could rest in peace, my stomache made itself heard loud and clear, with the message that youghurt was not sufficient. So I had to go by work and buy babyfood. As if throwing up on one of the fanciest streets in town, was not embarassing enough.
It is been a wonderful day,
because I am prepared for an even more dramatic day tomorrow. 24 agosto yeah right, as if things could ever go my wayI had my exam in law, 10 points, yesterday. I went straight from there to work, and I was exhausted after the last couple of weeks constant studying. All I wanted was to sleep in this morning, and just do nothing else but rest, and then finally catch up with friends and go out dancing in the evening. Yeah right.
I was not that lucky. My phone rang at 7 am, and it was my dentist wondering if I could be there in an hour. Since I needed an appointment before I leave the country, I did not have much of a choice. So much for a sleep in. I mean it was only supposed to be a quick easy fixing of a tooth. Once again Yeah right!
Two hours later, I walked out of there, my right cheek twice the sieze of normal, and one tooth less. The pain did not really get to me until a couple of hours later, round about when the bleeding finally stopped. So much for relaxing, I had to take heaps of strong drugs, medical, not illegal, before I could get as much as an hour of sleep. That did not happen either, because the door bell rang. On my way back to bed I collected my mail, and at once all the illusions of rest, peace and that the exam was finally over, were crushed. I got my information about the next one, in a new subject, and it is in less than two weeks from now. And I have not even started studying.
Then of course the eveing is ruined, because I am not allowed to do any physical activities, so salsa is out of the question. And do you honestly think anyone would be up for a night out, when their face is twice the sieze of normal? Instead a cozy girls night, with a movie and some nice food...but once again Yeah right.
Guess what?!
Yeah right you are, I am put on a diet of liquid food for four days. Nothing with chunks in it. Babyfood here I come. Almost feel like I lost all my teeth, not just one single tooth. So whilst my friends and family can enjoy bread, fruit, meat, etc..I am stuck with youghurt.
As if things ever will go my way,
do not even try to cheer me up,
I have got two words for you;
Yeah right!
22 agosto thoughts in my headWith the exam in 25.5 hours, and many pages to go, I am so stressed and nervous.
These are the thoughts in my head:
Why does the craftsmen have to conveniently start drilling in my neighbour's wall, the day before the exam?
I am never going to make it.
If I do it will not be with a good grade.
There is no point in even trying.
I am so stupid, I mean I just never get it.
Everybody else will pass the exam, and I will be the one singled out as a big fat failure.
I have to have it done, I will not be here for the next exam.
Oh who cares about the consumerscreditlaw, I do not have to take notes on that.
I need a break, I need a break.
Sleep.
I want to go shopping, and plan for the big move to another country.
Next weekend will be so fun.
Should I try and study all night, or be rested before the exam?
I need to study now.
I will never make it, what is the point.
Panic.
21 agosto and once moreOnce more everything is starting over.
It is autum, and most schools have started again, after summer break. Hence most parents are back to work, and the vacation is over. You see it on the traffic, because suddenly the subway is crowded, there's ques in the morning, and at 5 pm. Worst of all the tree opposite my window, its leaves have turned brown, and are slwoly falling down to the hard asphalt.
Once more, the stores are full of new fashion, in darker colours and warmer materials. The gym is also crowded, because everyone is determined to start exercising again, so that they will look good next summer at the beach. It will drop off, and by the end of October it will stop being as hysterical.
And once more the rain has started falling. The sky turns a lovely shade of grey, and it is perfect for those candelit cozy evnings. The colours are fading, the toursits are hopefully decreasing in number, so that we can reclaim the streets in busy steps.
Autum is the beginning of the year, and it has started once more. 20 agosto locked up before the examThe last two weeks I have been locked up studying for my upcoming exam.
I mean yes I have gone up at 7 am, gone for a run, and then after breakfast and an update on the worlds' news started studying. I think the only other two things I have done, have been fixing my war against the buggers who were eating on my clothes and going to the dentist. Neither one have been that much fun.
Today I did what I usually do, but at eleven I realised this is not going to work. I was so bored, there was no way I would be focused all day, I needed to do something. So I actually went out, forced someone to tag along, and had a nice walk. I saw normal people, enjoyed fresh air, and even did some shopping. I mean it has been ages since I just spent time doing things like that, I just havent had the time. But now I did, or well I didnt as everyone so nicely pointed out.
However I felt as if I had to see the real world for a while, I had to know it was still out there. What I have to look forward to, and just get out of my comfy clothes, and feel good about myself. I mean yesterday I was so tired after studying that I despite the fact that it was a Saturday night, walked to seven eleven in trackpants! Never ever happened before in my life!
So now I am once again locked up in my room, but at least I can say that I have done something else today. I know that the real world is still out there, and there is so many things I am looking forward to, when only all of this is over. Now I am stressed, but well anyway...I am happier.
19 agosto skithappensSometimes shit happens It is something we all have to be prepared for, and deal with when it does happen. However what is so wonderful, is that it all sort itself out in the end. I mean like today, something came to my attention, and I was quite upset. However I thought about something and I did not just let it ruin everything. It is not how hard or how far we fall, I mean evidently if we are note extremely lucky, we will have some negative experiences. Instead what truly matters is how well we rise after a fall. In my case this meant that I tried to sort out the problem, without letting the problem ruin me. It did not take long until it was all well again, just as it should be. So skit happens, but it is up to us to sort it out. I think it is a matter of not surrendering to the circumstanses when we get hurt, disappointed or unlucky. If you have the courage and strength to fight, and be proud and secure, then most things will be fixed immediatly. Like now. Something which should not happen to you at the age of twenty one, did happen to me today. I did not have much choice but to see it from the bright side, which Kadinsky so wonderfully painted, and just bit the soar apple, as the swedish saying goes. When it is too late to change the past, the best you can do is take control of the future. Of course I felt sad, awful and almost cried in public. But still I went to work, and I did not stay home a Friday night. Instead I went clubbing, if only for a little while, and I was not really in the mood. It is still better than sitting inside and thinking about the shit that happens, 16 agosto Phase two startingIts a funny thing how the weather is currently corresponding to my own general mental state. It is gray, blurry, and unpredictable. You do not really know for how long it will last.
I am done with phase one, of law. All the things that need to be done, in order to be able to sit the exam are finished. The attendence, the project, and the law case. I am happy to report that I got the highest possible points on the two things I have handed in. Those 3 points I will be able to add to my exam result, giving me a higher possibility of achiving a good grade. The stress is still present however, I mean it is one week left until the exam, and I have hardly started my deep final exam studying. It is starting tomorrow. Tonight I am all blank, I mean I can hardly remember where I put things, and who I have talked to. So a bed without the books, papers, and clothes and darkness....that is the image infront of me. If I do not collapse here in the cozy chair.
Phase one is over, pray I have got strength and determination left for Phase two.
Next Wednesday it will all be over. 15 agosto not taking things personallycriticism
I do not know what it means to you, but in fact it does not have to be something negative. On the contrary, I would argue that criticism always is something positive, regardless of who it comes from and the intentions behind it. Because it helps us see things, and ourselves in a different light.
I am not always the best at taking criticism, because sometimes I just do not agree, and other times, when I actually do, it can hurt nonetheless. But I do try to listen to what is being said, because most often, criticism is given to you by someone who actually cares. Hence it must be something in it which is of importance, even if it is only that persons feelings and opinions that needs to be expressed.
I think it is a part of growing up, to be able to take critcism, without taking it personally! We need to be secure enough in our selves, to be able to listen to others opinions, and respect them. My best friend can be honest, and criticise me, but I know that it does not mean that she does not love me. I would perhaps never become aware of my not so loveable features and habits, if somebody never told me about them. Maybe I need to hear about them, and others opinions.
I actually like criticism because of one particular reason, more than all the rest. It let me know what others think of me, both the positive and the negative. If I am able to take critcism, without it ruining an entire friendship, that means it will be a healthy friendship. Because it feels good to know that my friends can tell me, whatever they feel like, instead of keeping it to themselves, resulting in that after several months we are no longer friends. Then I was not given a chance to consider their opinion, or to improve. Instead people must be allowed to express their opinions and feelings, especially when I am the one who have caused them. A frinedhsip where you are not allowed to be honest, open and give criticism is nothing for me, because it would never work. You must be capable of taking the good with the bad. If not, then it is of now value. So criticism is like sushi with wasabi, how boring it would be on its own in the end.
I know the difference between me, and the things I do. I have a secure foundation in myself, and wonderful people who love me for who I am, despite all my flaws. This make it possible for me to take criticism and hopefully I can always improve and become a better person. .....so keep it coming! 14 agosto getting things doneI am one of those who like to get things done!
There is always many things going on in my life, and somehow they never seem to decrease. In order to still stay ontop of things, and not become stressed, I live by one rule:
I try to get things done as soon as possible.
If there is something I have realised, it is that there will always be things to do. If I try to do things in the order of importance, some things will never be done, because there will always be new things of greatest importance. Hence I do things as I become aware of them.
Before I do anything else,such as being with family and friends, or go out partying, I need to have my mind at peace. That is impossible when there is still things that needs doing. First of all I will not be able to enjoy the moment, secondly I will be worrying about not getting things done in time, and thirdle I will not be a nice company.
However at times you find yourself in situations, when things simply are not done when they should be. Actually it has hardly ever happened me before, and to be frank I hate it! Especially when there is nothing you can do about it.
Why not just do the things that needs to be done first, instead of leaving it to the very last minute?
I want to have it over and done with.
Now!
13 agosto hellhurtsheavenly vs lovelylonelylifeTo be out there is a lovely lonely place, and it just so happens that it hurts like hell.
The charm of being single, independent and alone, is also the very aspects which at time become too much to bare. I guess you can equal it with walking through fire, or sitting pondering on a cloud. Whilst the first is a painful place you struggle through surronded by snuggely stuff which is almost choking you in the flames, it is colder and harder at times to sit alone, drifting on your own little cloud, empty spaces as far as the eye can see.
The lovely lonely life is a wonderful place to be at, most of the time. But we all do get lonely, and we need confirmation, attention, distraction and appreciation. It is something we do find in ourselves, but regardless of how secure , happy and safe we are as individuals we all have our moments of weakness. When we need someone, to feel that we are not alone, and more importantly that we do not have to be alone.Because even if we chose to be living the lovely lonely life, we still need to be convinced that this is our choice, and that we have the option not to. That although we want to live the selfish life and just have fun, there is still a possibility to become involved in something serious. We need to feel as if we can stear our cloud instead of the wind blowing it in any random direction. In otherwords we need to be in control.
The risk of being in the lovely lonely place is that you become so used of being in control, that you never let go and see where the wind might blow you. The empty spaces and collusions of other clouds by the forces of nature, become threatening and everything is suddenly added a purpose.
Hell on the other hand hurts heavenly, but is not the place to be. It is a recogniction that we are not in control, and that we do not want to be either. It can hurt heavenly, but that is all just an illusion, because in hell the smoke from the fire will suffocate you. You can not let yourself enjoy hell, because the heavenly hurting is a far more lonely place, which nothing good will ever come from in the long run.
I guess earth is the place to be, since then you are neither in hell, nor in heaven. But just as the weather has its sunny days and rainy days, so do we, hence it is not only human, but also written in the laws of nature. I can only give you one advice; bring an umbrella with you! It will protect you from the burning coals and ashes in hell, and can be used as a perfect sail when you are sitting on your lonely cloud in heaven. And those moments when you are walking on solid earth, you can use it as a cane, supporting you as you go.
What a perfect invention! 09 agosto no end, no peaceAt the moment I have got so much to do, I can not see an end to it all, but only new beginnings.
It is a huge exam in law within two weeks, two new courses starting next week, work, financial and official papers that needs to be in order before I move to Essex, friends who are back from summer adventures, work, and projects for law.
I have no idea how it became so many things to do, and to say that I left it all for the last minute would not be a fair statement. Two weeks before an exam, it is normal to be stressed and focused on that subject. However I need to sort out accomodation, finances, make travel arrangements, and buy literature for my new courses here in Sweden. Those things can not wait two weeks, until my exam is over.
As if God has a sense of humour, of course I get a cold and fever, this week when I am off work, and needs to get as much done as possible. And worst of all, like everything else was not enough to make me panic, I discovered bugs eating on my clothes and living in my wardrobe and bed. Hence I have to wash all my clothes simulatenously, before I can clean the areas and put the clothes, blankets and pillows back, before I can go back to sleeping in my own bed.
So I am not only running my own little war against time, I am in a huge battle with tiny little bugs who are nurturing themselves on my precious pieces of clothing.
Talk about having a hard time getting a moment of peace.
06 agosto Duevak'rThere is always things which are blown out of proportion.
Today one single comment, made my day!
I was picking raspberries, and these young guys were sneaking up around me, hiding in the bushes when I looked their way, and obviously checking me out. I was busy with the raspberries, bugs crawling up my legs, and bees flying in my hair, not to mention guarding the berries from a hungry male. Anyway a little while later, this little girl around 7-9 years old ran up to me, and just stood there until she caught my attention. Then she said something to me, looking me in the eyes and with a sincer face: "duevak'r".
I did not understand what she said, or in which language, and stood there and felt embarrased. I mean she had taken the courage to walk up to a complete stranger, to say something in another language.There I was perplexed and confused, and had no clue as to what she was saying. It took forever for my brain to function properly, and send me the signals that maybe it was another language, but did it not sound like "you are beautiful"?
The beauty of those words, lay not in the meaning of the words themselves, but the meaning of the words that were uttered. The simplicity of children, the purenesness of their heart, their unspoild personality. If a man my age would walk up to me and say the same thing, it would not at all have the same meaning. Because at that age I was still in the fairytales, and I wanted to be a beautiful princess, and I looked myself in the mirror when I brushed my teeth at night, hoping that one day I would be like a girl in the fairytales.
(here I know those who would argue that to have as a wish when you are 5 years old, to become beautiful, shows how wrong the ideal of the society truly are. That may even be so, but beauty is found everywhere, and it has always been something we appreciate.)
That little girl, made that wish come true.
03 agosto The charm of confusionRight now I am a little confused, and everyone just have to accept the fact that I know not really how to deal with life. I have taken on so much, that I have no time to process.
I am confused of everything;
what I want,
what I need,
what I should not do,
what I should do,
what I feel,
what I do not feel,
I am evern confused about what I am certain about.
I guess it is because I am doing so much right now, and I have no time to recover from one days experience and intriges, before the next is almost over. Like this last week. I went to a party on Friday, had this huge argument with someone, followed by a little mistake, and I know not yet what is solved, and what is not. Then I had to go straight to work, and until now it has been uni and work floating into one another.
There is a charm in confusion.
Since I am so busy, and so tired when I am alone, it never seem to get any clearer. Instead the clouds are gathering, and one can feel how the air is heavy, and the rain is imminent. I can not wait for that wonderful loud rain, when the sky is at its darkest shade of gray. The knowledge of that the next day the sky will be clear, the air fresh, and the rain over - it makes me happy.
In the same way, the confusion will pass.
Even if I do not have time to make any decisions, and sort out things, it will happen anyway, even without my interference. Of course the outcome may not be as I would prefer, but since I have not had time to reflect upon that it can obviously not be that important. The charm in confusion, is that it will suddenly all make sense, and not be that hard to deal with. Instead it will seem obvious, that it must work out in this way, and best of all I will no longer be confused.
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