I am sure it is a feeling we all experience once in a while.

You know that feeling, when something really moves you, something of the greatest importance touches your heart, and becomes more than just a silent truth, and instead outspoken reality.

 

For me it happened the other day when I was going to the toilet with someone.

This someone and I well we have known eachother for three years now, and I think it is fair to say we have been the one friend first to turn to when we needed someone. However some things we do not speak of that often,

 

now she said it as a matter of fact,

and I dont think she has ever made me as happy,

or proud.

 

I was touched.

 

 

In today's society it is all about the individual.

We all have responsibility over our own life, in the end all we have got is ourself and what we have achieved and who you are seem to be of the greatest importance.

 

Of course it is good that it is now accepted to be selfish, focused and single, but I think it has gone too far. I mean yes, I am a single human being, an individual, and tomorrow morning I may wake up and my whole family might have died in a car crash. That would be awful, but I have been taught how to take care of myself and deal with what ever comes my way. On my own, all alone.

 

Have you thought about how many of the things we wear come in pairs: a pair of socks, a pair of glasses, a pair of jeans, a pair of earings, a pair of gloves, a pair of shoes etc. Or if you rather have the less materialistic version: eyes, arms, hands, feet, legs, buttocks, ears, nostrils, lungs, kidneys and nipples. Why do we have a pair of everything?

 

Yes it would indeed look silly if we only were half, with one eye, ear, leg and arm. We need two of each rather than one, because it gives us a better perspective of things, a larger chance of survival, and stability and balance. However as many parts of us that come in pairs, there is one part of us which we only carry in singles: our heart.

 

Since the focus is so much on the individual, rather than a group of people which you belong to, it is easy to feel lonely. We are not meant to spend our evnings on our own, but to share it with someone. Just as we have so many parts in pairs, humans also is made to function in pairs, not just for reproduction, but for survival of the species.

 

I would argue that humans come in pairs for several reason, all of which have positive consequences which I believe certainly overweigh the vulnerability of surrendering a part of ourselves to someone else. First of all by sharing your life with someone else, you get another pair of eyes, someone who can watch your back, and someone who makes your heart feel less lonely. As an individual we still have a basic need to feel safe, loved, and accepted. That other person provides that, not just the second piece of the puzzle which is your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

You are a fragile flower, not yet in bloom.

It is something precious with a flower

who has not yet seen the full meadow upon which it stands,

who is holding pedals which would make the wind go wild,

who is unaware of the full value of its own beauty.

I am twisted in opposite direction,

incapable of making a firm choice of what to do with the flower.

Do I want to guard your buds,

and keep them to my selfish pleasure of knowing you are safe,

kept in your most charming state of temptation and unawareness,

by not giving you everything which is rightfully yours.

Do I want to help your buds to burst open in full bloom,

and not only share your beauty with others,

but also make you aware of your own value and the power at your hand,

by giving you everything which is within my reach.

 

One thing is for certain:

The day you bloom, your glory will decorate my lonely tomb.

As you stand there in all your grace,

you will slowly be ruined by the wear and tear of the daily chase,

you will have your pedals plucked one, by one, by greedy hands.

you will then once again be fragile, but less then fair.

you will then be more than so, with strength and courage in the air.

As you bloom, and become stunned by the bright light,

and the maze of colors to be seen, remember;

the best is that which is left invisible for the eye.

Remember: I am your roots.

Today I have gone back to places with heaps of memories, on my own.

 

In my attempt to chase away the memories, I rediscovered them. Or maybe the whole point was actually to remember, and for just a second take a holiday back in the past. Then as I left I had made new memories, which made the others seem less important, or maybe just  a little different.

 

I do not know which one that is to prefer?

To leave things as they were, or let them transform with time.

 

I felt like a thief when I most suspect stood outside your door with a key which just would not work, and then had to come back again, with another person and have another go. Then when the door finally let me into the darkness, the air was heavy, the plants nearly dead, and everything so quiet that every step felt like a violation of this toomb's privacy.

 

I felt like a spy when I went back to your work, and your shoppingmall. Prepared to and paranoid that I would, run into you in the next turn around the corner. If not you then someone else, just as bad. I mean how do you deal with the past? Obviously even if you can n ot run away from it, you can always hide. But if you liked your passed, and are proud about the presence then why should you hide? Maybe because it is an awkward combination, which has a tendency to make you confused about the line in between.

 

When does the passed stop chasing you? Is it when you stop chasing it and the memories, or is it when you no longer can hide from it? Is it when you are no longer afraid, when it does not hurt, and you have managed to distance yourself a little, enough to embrace it and still hold it at an arm lengths distance?

 

And in return, when does the present become the passed? Is it when yo do no longer remember, when you are determined to move on, or when you once again wake up with a smile upon your lips? Is it when the darkness start hiding memories, instead of creating them?

 

I went back today, I unlocked the door, and let in some fresh air. You were not there, but everything around me reminded me of you, and of us. Maybe I forced the door to open, or myself to walk in through the door, it does not really matter.What matter is that when I had taken that step, I was on my own.

 

On my own felt perfectly fine, I can always bring a friend along to hold my hand.

 

 

Today I met my ex.

I was working, and suddenly he was just standing there infront of me. There was no where to hide, no excuses to use, and no time to prepare.
I was forced to smile and talk about the weather in my too large micro-fleece jacket, dirty piké top and too baggy jeans. My unwashed hair, and yesterday's makeup just made me feel if possible even better.

I guess it should be some kind of comfort that nothing had changed. We talked about the same things, and joked in the same manner. The only difference was that I felt relifed when the elderly man alias "the toiletpaper man", came up to me to once again scream in my ear, as if I too was deaf, about something he has already asked a hundred times.

I was just me, plain and simple. Perhaps I should be grateful it happened on my court, so that I could kick the ball. Not that I could ask him to leave the store, but it was one of my safe places. I did not want him there, and the funny thing was I discovered I did not even want him anywhere in my life. Maybe at the outskirts, but he has been to close to the core,  to be let anywhere nearer.

So much for walking out the door, prepared for all eventualities.
I certainly missed my opportunity to look stunning!

I just got back from the sweetest of lands, Gotland or the lands of goodies as I have called it for as long as I can remember.

 

Somehow it is my own little paradise. This year was no exception, it was as wonderful as usual. I needed this passed week to relax, recharge my batteries, and get down to earth. I mean we all know that I am quite up and going from the moment I wake up until the late hour I fall asleep.  Hence a week away from all obligations, me the nature and my loved one's is necessary to prevent a nervous break down at the age of 21.

 

That is not to say that a vacation for me equals doing nothing. Rather the opposite. It has been one thing after the other. Every morning I forced my self out of bed at eight and went for a run. I mean you may not feel like getting out of bed in the mornings, but when you have forced your feet to move in a forward direction for a while, you wake up in the right pace. Then I woke up my sister and father and we went for an early morning swim. It could be as cold as 16 or as warm as 21. Lets see we have been exploring bunkers, biking approximately over 10 km every day climbing in caves, picking a fight with a baby horse, climbed up watch towers, looked for a Vikingcastle, picking flowers, fishing (Dad caught the biggest one), snokeling, playing minigolf, more biking, etc.

 

Bottom line, we have had fun and I have never been bored. We spent the last day in Visby. Shopping, sun bathing at Havsbadet with all other beautiful people and drowning in siliconboobs, drinking at Hamnplan 5, and watching the finals of cosure in the sunset. Anyway I saw the sunrise on my way home  and I am back again, not at all relaxed but more tired then when I left,but it was worth it.