I remember when I bungy jumped for the first time. I was so nervous before we got there, and then I just had to have it over and done with. I ran out of the bus, I was the first one in the line, and I simply could not jump off that bridge fast enough. Not right enough either for that matter, which was probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. Hence I have means for life, a whiplash, a constant reminder of the thrill and cost of that crazy urge to challange myself.

 

Life is boring.

It does not have to exclude the fact that it is wonderful, amazing, surprising, and plenty of other positive things. But it is in human nature to create routines, such as sleeping, eating and sleeping a little bit more. Those habits make us feel safe, secure and in control of all the things we are yet unaware of. At least that is the case for me your number one control freak. When I was to leave for NZ, I had it all figured out. I was standing on the airport, minutes before I hugged my father goodbye, with a book and map about NZ, so that as I met the others who were going to NZ, I would know how far away they would be from me. I mean I had no idea of the life ahead of me, but it felt nice with the illusion created by that book. It made me feel secure enough, to welcome the unknown, and hasty and carelessly hug my father and see him leave.

 

 Even if I think I have proved that I am all for control, I do believe we all need adventures. We are all suicidal in different ways, because life is never all that we wish for. Some of us move to a different country, others jump off or climb up a cliff, others simply cut their selves. Regardless of what we do, it makes us feel more, see things from a different perspective and learn to control those intense moments and feelings when you are no longer in control. We get a rush from challenging life.

 

It make us forget life. The boringness, the disappointments, all the things we can not control, and it makes us more alive. When you push yourself to the edge, you throw all the unwanted luggage you have been carrying around off the edge, until you are all that remains. The trick is not to lose your ground, or your grip.

 

We are all suicidal, and do challenge the limits. Whether you drive too fast, spend your time doing all kinds of crazy sports, or develop a destructive behaviour, it is completly normal. We need to challenge life to feel living, and death being the opposite it is ok to have a flirt with it once in a while as long as your are careful and take precausions. Life would be boring, and not worth living if we were not all a wee bit suicidal.

 

 

 

 

There are three important components in order for a good functioning relationship.

 

Trust. Hope. Love.

 

In fact it does not matter which kind of relationship we are discussing, when it comes to the serious one's it will never work otherwise.

 

Trust is necessary because if we start doubting one another, we start doubting the relationship. I have for instanse been in several relationships without trusting myself, and everything that I am, and it has always made things more complicated than it should be. If I do not have faith in myself, I am not going to have faith in the words "I think you are beautiful" or "I am so proud to call you my girlfriend". You need to trust the other person, and let him or her in, to share things which you otherwise keep to yourself.

 

Hope or Faith, which one you wish to use, is also important. If you do not have faith in love, and can not see it working out, then of course it never will. If you do not have faith in love, or in the other person, the relationship will no longer develop and grow, and doubt will conquer. You have to feel so secure in love that even if you feel your worst, you know that with this person, nothing matters, he or she will be there nonetheless.

 

Love is the most obvious component.

There would not be a relationship if there was not love. Not a longlasting one anyway, and those are the ones I am talking about. Many people enter relationships because the other person seem sutiable, good looking and because they like each other. Then they hope that it will eventually grow into something else. I am not the one to say what is right or wrong, and I know that it works sometimes. More often though it does not, because Love is not something you can force, it is something you feel. You can grow found of one another,  become the best of friends, and love him or her as a person, but maybe there will never be the right kind of love.

 

That is why I guess it is so great to start out as friends, and never rush into a relationship. If you do not look at every guy around you as a potential boyfriend, then you will get to know them and you will not haste into a relationship bound to crash. Instead you may end up with some really good friends, where you know exactly where you have one another. At least I have, and I love the diversity of gender amongst my friends.

 

I think the most important lesson I have learnt over the years is that just as trust, faith and love is important in a relationship, it is important that I have those things within me as well. Then I do not need a relationship to give me what is missing in my life, I will not haste into something, and I will know when it is worth the risk. Then what ever kind of relationship you decide to enter, it will have a greater potential to work out, and if it does not, it will not mean the end of the world.

 

Trust.

Hope.

Love.

 

 

I remember when I was younger and life was so much more defined.

There was rules, terms, homework, holidays, and all at specific dates.

 

Today it is my little sister's last day of Spring term, and they graduate in a church. It is the songs, the principal's speech, the flowery dresses, and all the tiny details which announce that summer is here!

 

It is time for strawberry picking, bike rides, a night swim, sand castles, sports, lazy days in the hammock, and red noses.

 

It is time for bruises, barbeques, kittens, days in parks, nights that never go dark, icecream, snorkeling, day dreaming and barefoot walks in the grass.

 

That is the feeling I get when I go to a genuine graduation. All the old songs I still recall the melody of, but only half the text. I love to sing along, and pretend I am once again about to experince one of those endless summers.

 

But no more.

Now it is school all year round, and work, and worries.

But I guess I will go anyway, just to treasure the memory of all those precious, cheerful childhood memories.

It is funny how the world change.

Everything seem to stay just the same, and then suddenly nothing is quite the same.

The trick is that it all happens little by litte, in such small steps that you never seen to move. Suddenly you are just in a different place, and you have to dsicover it all over again, little by little.

 

It happens to all of us.

For some strange reason, we do not realize everything that happens around us, when it actually happens. Maybe it is hard to be  objective, maybe we have so much of the past left in our mind, that we do not manage to focus on the reality.

 

 

You are either a morning person, or you are an evning person.

I am defineatly absolutely most certainly not a morning person!

 

I came to this conclusion the hard way.

I do not dislike mornings as such, I mean it is great to know that you have a whole new undefined, challenging, day ahead of you with adventures waiting just around the corner. I love picking out what to wear, and the luxury of a long warm almost too hot shower. The feeling of newly brushed teeth, and still a little dreamy from last night. The problem is rather that I never seem to get enough sleep, and I always get to bed early in the morning, rather than early in the evening. I have my own private time in the evnings, that is when I reflect upon what has been, and what is to be.

In other words I am a night person.

 

 

The worst thing with mornings is actually the most horrible event of the whole day:

To force oneself out of the bed, throw the warm covers away,  demand your head to lift from the soft pillow, and put your feet on the cold floor. And once you have actually gotten up, then it is impossible to retrive that feeling even if you lay down again, it just will not be the same. Trust me I am trying right now, and although it is still morning it is too late.

 

My trick with mornings, since I hate them so much, is to keep myself busy and motivated. I do not want to delay the torture, but distract myself and have it ower and done with. I mean I am not one of those who can waste a whole morning by laying in bed, with the alarm on znooze just a little bit longer. The exception here being when you have a lovely, furry, snoreing, tall beast next to you. Then it is almost a crime to get out of bed unless there is something you have to do. It is still a violation of the laws of nature not to stay in bed and cuddle!

 

This morning, which is still going, I felt like dead man walking.

I forced myself out of bed after 4 hours of sleep, where I had woken up several times because I knew I had to get up early. Then I had to leave an adorable, furry, and cuddly beast. Then I had to be social, because I had promised my little sister to make her picknick food since they are gone all day, and that is something I do best. But since it is so early, and I got so little sleep last night, I feel for the temptation. Iam laying on my bed, with a blanket on me, mourning what is lost. And the furry beast is gone so I am all alone.

 

I am not a morning person.

 

Don't we all wish to be on top?

We strive to perform our best, whether that be at work, the gym, or in a relationship. It is natural and make us test our limits, achieve above expectations and sometimes be surprised by our own ability.

 

Unfortuneatly we can not always be on top.

If we constantly achieved our best, it would mean we in fact must be able to do better if we put just a tad more time or effort into it. Also when you get to where you want to be, you will eventually get bored and stop appreciating it. It will not be enough, and you will not be satisfied. Then you will not think that you are on top anymore, and most likely you will not be.

 

But everything, and everyone have a limit.

Yes, it is a good thing to try harder, and push yourself. But you can only build a certain amount of floors to your house, you will hit the roof sonner or later. When you do, it is hard to accept that it is as far as you can go. That enough is enough.

 

I have been exercising a lot this year. More than ever before, and I really felt that I was on top of myself, and much better than I have ever been in the  past. Then I got sick, and could not exercise for 2½ weeks, due to high fever, a cold, a sore throat and a headache. Now when I am three days into my recovery I feel worse than ever. I am definetly not as fit as I used to be. It is so frustrating, and I feel like I suck! It is of course extremly tempting to force my self to perform as well as I used to, but it is a risk I am not willing to take. If I did the likelihood of me hurting myself in the process is big, and then I might have to stop for a much longer period.

 

Instead I am taking it step by step.

Slowly I will get back to where I was, and looking at it from the bright side it will go faster to pick up where I left, than if I had not been exercising at all before. It all depends on what I compare it to. Circumstances do matter.

 

Being ontop also requires sacrifises.

It is a question of priorities. What do you think is worth the effort, and what are you willing to cut down on? Lance Armstrong or David Beckham may be on top when it comes to their specific areas of sports, but they never had the same possibility to study at University, or to eat whatever they want whenever they want. It is choices we make, and it means that the goals we have, influence who we become. It is also never easy to stay on top. Any athlete knows that they will only have a certain amount of years, and then it will be too late, or at least much harder to stay in the same shape.

We live on a planet with 6 billion human beings. That means that the possibility that someone else out there is almost eaxctly the same as you, must be bigger than you think. Yes we may speak different languages, have different skin tones, and we do probably laugh differently; but our personal attributes can not be that personal.

 

Lately communication and distribution have become so much easier. To start a company in one continent, and export to the whole world is much easier. To discuss your favorite movie with someone in Japan, is indeed easy, and much of the same programs on the tv are shown all across the world.

 

Lately it seems as if everyone has supressed their own personal taste and attributes, and instead take on something they know is accepted or gives as certain image. On Tv they have heaps of programs showing how to remake your home, and make it look more expensive. They have shows on how you should dress in order to look younger, to look like you have taste, and to look successful.

 

I love shopping!

But I have never really thought about why I buy the things I come home with in all my bags. I just buy them. Of course I do care about fashion, and what looks good on me. However I have never wanted to look like everyone else out on the street. With H&M that is a risk, hence it is not my first place to go. But even so when I do go and buy something I only have a certain amount of clothes and styles to chose from and hence I am influenced although I am not aware of it.

 

Even in magazines we are told how to be.

We read articles about "how you should be in order to get your man" "how you should be to keep him" etc. It is absurbd. First of all you must be yourself, because otherwise you are not going to enjoy your company. Secondly if you can not get a man or keep him just by being yourself, he is not worth keeping.

 

If we are all trying to fit in, and adapt to the norm, what will make you different from all the others? Who is it who decides the image and attributes that are accepted, and why let someone else decide on how you should be?

 

Be yourself.

  

Have you ever noticed how we see things differently? 

Some see the little details which build up the bigger picture, whilst others may at first see the bigger picture and only secondly the details.

 

Which category do you fit in to?

Lets say you are sitting on a bus, or in the supermarket shopping, what is it which you register and what makes you remember things. You can walk in to a store and think "oh it is a lot of people in here and plenty of stuff to choose from" or you can instantly think "that man looks weird, lets see where is the brand I am looking for, and this floor is rather messy". Although rather blurry example, the point I am trying to make is that we can take the same step through a door, but yet the view will be completely different.

 

I am all into details.

It is not so much a conscious choice I have made, but more the way I work. I do not say that details can not at times be small and insignificant, but for me it is the details together which build up the whole. I can not have a whole, if the details do not fit. The most recent example would be the new suitcase I have bought. It is from Spirit of Oz, expensive and oh so unique. Perfect for traveling back and forth, and it can pass as cabin luggage, and in a bright green colour so that I always know exactly where my bags are. Of course, since the suitcase is so bright and green, I can only travel in a more subtle colour clothing wise. Hence I need a matching green scarf, so that my clothing and bags becomes an outfit. It is the details which makes the whole. If I turn up in the coolest suitcase, but wearing track pants and a hoody, it would be no point in having that lovely green suitcase.

Guys usually think the other way around.

They see the big picture, and that is what matters. Despite womens attempts to explain that the small every day details are just as important as the occasional big ones, men just do not get it. To every example, there is of course exceptions, but as whole it seems to be true. They may remember Birthday's, Valentines and Christmas, and if you are lucky the yearly anniversary. Then something out of the ordinary may happen, but all the ordinary days, they very rarely are enlightened with special details to make them something extraordinary.

Of course if I stopped worrying about all the small details, I would maybe have time to enjoy the whole. I hear that argument once in a while, or honestly once in a week at least, but I do not agree. I can not just drop the details. The details are like precious flowers in a bouquet, one by one they may not be much to the world, but if you put them together, they can be stunning.

 

You mean the world to me;

you are my sunshine,

you are my spring.

You are what makes me warm within.

 

You are more fragile than all the forgetmenots swaying in the meadow,

more gentle than all the lily's in the valley standing in the shadow. 

You make me more cheerful than all the buttercups smiling in the sunlight,

more at peace than when the daffodils are dancing in the moonlight.

 

You make me see the beauty when the kitten hide in the poppy,

and I even want to climb in trees and be swallowed by leaves.

You are more beautiful than all the flowers hiding in the grass,

and you make me wish that summer will never pass.

 

You are the best in me;

you are my flowers,

you are my power.

 

You are the ones with whom I plan to spend my hours.

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I was a better person.

 

There is this urge within me to be the perfect sister, the perfect lover, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend and the perfect girlfriend. It is not only that I think that those I love deserve the best of the best, and nothing less. I guess it also is about challenging myself, and being all that I can be.

 

On some areas this has worked out perfectly, and I have never had to compromise my integrity in  the process, but unfortuneatly it seems in other areas that I never learn how to improve.

 

It may be important to point out there that I do not try to adapt to others views of perfect, but have my own definition of what perfect in each area stands for. After my own values, and my own personality I strive to be as good as possible. What I mean is that instead of always being a stubborn ass who want things done my way, instead of always putting my needs first, I include others, meaning those I love and their views. I mean silly things which does not have any significance in my daily life, may be what cheers my mother up after a hard day.

 

On one particular area, I do feel like complete failure.

It is just an impossible task to be all that I want to be, and no matter how much I try it just never shows any results. I have tried the not trying tactic also, but that just made matters worse. Sometimes we need to care for others, with their rules because we are on their playground. I find that difficult. I never seem to have the patience to make it work, and when I get upset it all falls apart.

 

I am proud of being who I am, and I love myself. But I wish I was a better person, especially on one aspect. I just do not know how that is going to happen. Any suggestions?

 

 

 

 

When do we grow up?

 

I feel like I will never get there.

It is like I am sitting, waiting, wishing for the bus to finally come, and it never does. Or even more frustrating it does but with the words full or not in traffic on it, so you have to continue to wait, and all the time you spent was pointless.

 

Although I am living today, I am fighting for tomorrow.

I order to be able to live the life I want, I am sacrificing sweat, tears, sleep and blood right now instead. Hoping that it will pay off in the end.

 

What if I never get there?

I do not want to be one of those people who get stuck at my part time job all life, have kids and never get anywhere in life. I am not saying it is wrong to live that life, but it is not for me, and it would never make me happy.

 

Does it really matter in the end?

Regardless of what we do for a living, we are all forced to follow a specific pattern anyway. We have to get up to work, get the kids to school, buy food, wash our laundry, clean the house, cook dinner and brush our teeth. My paycheck may be much higher than some of my old schoolfriends, but then my student loans will be higher, and I will probably have a living standard which requires more money.

 

I guess where I want to get is to that stage in life where I am independent.

I went from a lovers arms to another,

passing time in their hearts.

 

Never did I ever foreseen

that I would get trapped in between.

 

The past has drifted off shore,

what was can not be any more.

 

The future is already abay,

it is too late to go astray.

 

Lost somewhere between land and sea,

soaking wet but washed a shore.

 

The waves are tossing me back and forth,

as I am laying in the sand weary of all these queries of the heart.

 

The wind will have to decide as time pass,

who will it be who rescues me at last.

 

 

What would I do if I was given three wishes?

 

It is a tough one, because as much as I would like to make the world a better place, I am also only one person with my own private dreams. It is like a battle between morals and justice. The question can be twisted, because it does reflect how we deal with our own money. If we save it all, if we spend it and on what, and how much we give away to charity. Given scares resources do we still take time to care for those more misfortunate than us?

 

I was in Zambia last year, and it really put some perspective to the value of money. In order to go there the whole group had worked very hard for two years time. We had arranged funraisers, applied for scholarships and had numerous bakesales and flee markets. It was not like we had just taken the money out of our pockets, and being students we did not have that kind of money either.

 

In Zambia however I think we all felt rich, and lucky. Every student in Sweden get 1000 swedish crown from the goverment every month of the school year. That equals a pair of jeans in a fashionable brand, a hairdresses apointment, or 135 $US. In Zambia the same amount of money equals one year of life. I will explain; it covers the costs of education, living, food, clothes, and books for a whole year. With a population where the average age is 15 years of age, and HIV/AIDS exists with more than a third of the population, education is necessary. The children have no homes to go to, and nobody else to support them. The only way for them to survive and get somewhere in life is to go to school. Most of the people I know have never reflected upon this, because they live in another world. I do not, so I have no excuse. It is still so easy for me to hide here back home, and ignore the letters requesting money or just schoolbooks.

 

But the people in Zambia are not just people with unfamiliar faces who beg for money, not to me. I have never come across the same warm and friendly attitude like I did when I was there. They had a happiness, a relaxed serenity and a loving spirit, and that is very precious and rare. We have Lucy who met us at the airport because she wanted us to feel welcome, although she was suffering from malaria and very ill that day. We have the family I lived with who had 11 children, but still gave up two out of the total of 5 beds for us to sleep in. I do not know what they would do if they were given three wishes, but I am certain that they would have a bigger need for those wishes, than me.

 

I am not proud to say this, but if I was given three wishes I would probably be too overwhelmed to remember all the people I met in Zambia. Yes it is true that I would like to make a wish which would make the world a better place, but I would also be selfish. The world would never function properly if there was no sickness, if nobody ever died, or if there was the same amount of wealth for everyone. The system we live in is not flawless, and we do live on the disadvantage of others. It makes me sad, it makes me feel helpless, but I like the world I live in. It makes me feel guilty.

 

I wish that everyone regardless of living standars, have someone who loves them, and support them. That everyone have moments of happiness and success, and an opportunity to make their dreams come true.

 

That would be my three wishes, I hope I included you.

The earth is round, her Dad said.

 Why is it not flat?, she asked.

 

The fire is hot, be careful not to burn, her Mother warned.

Howcome it can not be cold? she wanted to know.

 

Girls and Boys are different, her teacher pointed out.

But I thought we were all the same, she said.

 

We all die when our time has come, her priest preached.

What would happen if our time never came? she wondered.

 

 

We all believe in a number of facts, but how much do we know?

It is june already!

Unbelievable, this year has gone by so quickly.

It is like I closed my eyes dreamed a dream, and when I woke up it was gone.

I think the danger of being out in the world, no longer tied to the school and its semesters, it is that time becomes blurry. You can do what you like, when you feel like it, and the only one who will control that you do anything at all is yourself.