Katarina 的个人资料kiwikat照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
|
5月30日 My summerWhilst everyone else is looking forward to a break from whatever it is they do most of their day time, I am not. Of course it will be nice with some warm weather, to go swimming, sun bathing, and barbeques. However I have decided to work all summer and what is more important to study.
I am going to study Law,
I am so excited. People ask me if I am mad? I mean I should be laying in bed half the days, then on the beach, in the water and at nights finally move a bit at a wild party. Or go abroad or to our country house, or some festival. Not me though. No I am looking forward to digging my nose into the law book, and challenging my mind. It will be great to have another reason but work to get up in the mornings, and something to read when I am sunbathing. It will mean I will meet new people still, when most of the city becomes a silent sleepy and suddenly empty place.
So I think this is going to be a great summer.
Especially since I normally feel like all of summer is a big waste of time. I have no need for three, or in this case four months of absoluteley nothing to do. I mean sure I will not be able to watch the World Cup in Soccer as much as I would have liked to, but for once I am having an advantage over time itself. It makes me happy! I will achieve something when everyone else is off forgetting. Best of all this is something I consider a pleasure not something boring but necessary, so it feels like a holiday still.
Yay for Law. 5月27日 nervous- all the what if's!Whenever I start seeing someone new, and worse develop feelings for him I become afraid of so many things that could go wrong.
What if he cheat on me, because I am not there.
What if I am not enough, to make him happy.
What if he get back together with his ex, and value their relationship more.
What if he stop calling, without giving me an explanation.
What if the sex is not good enough to make him satisfied.
What if he realize we are just too different from one another.
What if he think he should not be in a relationship right now.
What if I lose him.
It is hard to put yourself out there, when the risk of you getting hurt is indeed obvious and rather huge. It is a questionof if it is worth it, if you can handle it, and if you want to. If you do decide to become involved with someone, you have to ignore all your what if's.
Trust is key in any relationship.
I would say that if you are even considering there "what if's" you obviouslt like this person enough to go for it. You look danger in the eye before you go to battle. It is the same when you beginn a relationship, what you feel is intense enough for you to put yourself out there.
Trust yourself and your partner.
You are therewhen my world is spinning, and I can hardly stand on my own two feet.
when I can not stop crying, and every breath is a burden.
when nothing seems clear, and days pass me by unnoticed.
when I want to let the world swallow me up, and daylight is a curse.
when everything is wrong, and I feel at my worst not at all strong.
You are there.
you are there despite my horrible state,
and see the charm in my swollen face.
you are there holding me close even when I push you away,
and do not let go at the break of day.
you are there if I would like to talk, laugh or weep,
and chase the demons away in my sleep.
you are there to make sure I have got everything that I need,
and you are patient enough to let it happen in the anticpated speed.
you are there to make me smile again,
and meanwhile you do not mind just being my friend.
You are there
when everything goes wrong, you make me strong.
ClarityI need to say this, so although it is not a text,
I am writing to you.
Pointing a finger at the person who is currently sitting behind a screen and reading the words I have been writing.
First of all THANK YOU!
I am actually amazed that you are taking the time to read this. And I am a wee bit curious of your reason for doing so. Is it because you know me, and want to figure out what is going on in my life? Is it because you think that what I write occasionaly may have some substance?
I do not write for you, or anyone else for that matter. I write because of the following reasons, take your pick.It is something I enjoy doing. I have a need to get things out of my head, so that I can look at them from the outside where everything makes more sense. I write because it is to challenge myself, to explore the present and let others know what goes on in my mind.
What I write does not need to be the truth.
Eveything is not taken out of my life, it can be inspired by silly things, such as my favorite movie, or what goes on in others minds. It is not always what I feel and think, it is not always my life. Of course it is related to my life. But dont come to the wrong conclusions. Especially my poems are a play, fiction, whilst my text's often become more personal.
I hope that brings some clarity,
although I have a number of questions!
Why do you read this? What do you think of the texts and why?
You are welcome to bring some clarity to my life.
Once again; Thank you.
5月26日 JealousyI should be jealous of you.
You have so many memories together,
your relationship is so strong,
you are a part of him.
But I am not.
I do not want to hear all about it,
but I would like to get to know you.
Somewhere in there is a part of his heart,
you have a past from which he can not escape.
Why are you jealous of me?
If you are history,
there is no reason to fear what might be.
If you love him,
the more the reason to respect me.
If you know him,
do you not want to get to know me?
confronting the exYou see him for what he used to be,
you share a history,
you love him.
I see him for who he has become,
we share the present,
we like each other.
Who has got his future?
I embrace his past,
it made him who he is today,
you are an important part of that.
Can you embrace the present,
face reality and accept me,
he loves you.
The future does not matter,
the past is history,
let us live today,
together.
5月24日 May I tell you a secret?May I tell you a secret?
she leaned forward,
stood on her tip toes,
put her hand on my shoulder,
and her lips by my ear.
soft words uttered,
followed with a sparkling laugh,
and a stunning smile as she gazed up at me.
our secrethush now....be quiet,
nobody needs to know you said
I want to scream it out to the world
I have nothing to hide
please do not
why can it not stay between us
are you ashamed of me
why do you care what others think
I value my privacy
it is nobody else's business
they will find out sooner or later
but for now fine then, have it your way
it is our little secret so it happenedI could blame it on the wine, it got to my head.
I could blame it on the tears, you looked so vulnerable in my arms.
I could blame it on your big puppy eyes, "hold me a little bit longer" you said.
I could blame it on your small hands digging in to my hair, and your breath in my ear.
But what is your excuse?
I do not regret that I pulled you close, the warmth of your body lit a fire inside.
I do not regret that I pealed off your clothes, like you pick the pedals from a flower.
I do not regret that I let your hair down, and smelled a fresh flower garden.
I do not regret that I kissed your lips, or how you responded with your hips.
Do you have any regrets?
hit by lightningSometimes you stop and look back, and you realize something new, you rediscover your past. A memory changes shape, consistent, and meaning.
It happened to me a few days back.
When life takes a turn we deal with it and when we find reason and it makes sense again we put it behind us and move on. Now when I looked back in the rear mirror I had another view, and it startled me.
The same memory, had changed over night.
I suddenly understood why it had never been a happy memory, why it had not stopped hurting. Our past is like the crust of the earth, it needs to be dealt with and taken care of although we do not walk on it. If we ignore it becomes dry and huge cracks appear on the surface. The crust need rain to heal, and to fill out the cracks. So do we, and it all happened when I was asleep.
I guess it startled me because it was
I was talking to my ex, and wondered if he did regret the fact that we had shared each others lives, and everything with each other, beacuse to me it seemed pretty pointless since we did not work out in the end. His opinion is not the essence here, but I realized why I was so sorry about everything, although I have moved on. I do have regrets, and I consider a huge part of our relationship to be a mistake. It is not him I am mad at, and he is not the mistake.
I am.
To admit that I had regrets, and that I did consider it to be a huge mistake took its toll on me. It was like I was standing in the pouring rain, without an umbrella, or any where to take cover. 5月23日 broken promisesYou say you will be there,
it feels good to know that you care.
You call me up and postpone,
you have so much else to do.
You say you will be there,
that I should not have to deal with it on my own.
You let me down,
you heard of something else to do.
You say you will be there,
a day for only you and me.
You fogot to mention,
you then promised someone else instead.
You said you will be there,
it feels good to know that you cared. it is boring to be sick I open my eyes and see shadows on the wall,I close them again, it is too bright for me to look at.
I open a book, and try to hide in a fictionary world,
I close it again, it was too good to be true and to many words to read.
I turn on the stereo, and hear the life outside,
I turn it off, it is too loud and vivid for me to embrace.
I open my mouth and try to speak,
I close it again, the words are drowning in croaking noises.
I take up a pen, and feel the white sheet calling me,
I lay it down, the words gave me a headache before I wrote them.
writingWe all have our share of unhappiness.
I have been ill for four days now, and today my brother left me and the country for many years to come. My throat hurt too much to speak, my Mum has confiscated my sneakers so I can not exercise, and everyone is afaraid of being near me because no one want to be sick. I cannot sleep because I have a cold, and the days are so long and boring and lonely, I could not help falling asleep earlier. Hence I am awake in the darkness, and still in bed. The sun will rise in another hour, and I am somewhere in between exhaustion and excitment.
I have alot on my mind.
I always do, but sometimes I am concerned with things I have not yet figured out or dealt with and then it becomes hard to express them. Then I am forced to wait them out, just as you wait for the tide, and then it will hopefully all become clear. Often I write what I am feeling, but it is not until weeks later that I relaize hwo much sense it makes. Then it gives me the guidance, comfort and strength I need.
So right now I am tired and writing things, I am too exhausted to reflect upon. I simple write and hope that it will make sense later, after a good night, or in my case, days sleep. Writing is my way of processing what others do when they are dreaming. I need to write before I can sleep peacefully.
Sweet dreams.
nothingwhat is there to say
nothing of importance can be expressed in words
nothing of importance can be left unsaid
everything is settled
everythings is ended
nothing you can say will make things better
nothing I can do will make it worse
everything is over
nothing is forgotten
nothing is ever good enough to last until eternity
nothing is ever easy enough to stop before it start
there is nothing left to say
everything is now nothing
nothing is everything that is left
could it be is it mesomething is wrong
could it be that it is so many who are standing in the cold,
or all of those laying awake in hunger.
could it be all the things I have to do,
or all the people I forgot to call.
could it be the blood on my white sheets,
or the cold night breeze my sick lungs are breathing in.
could it be broken glass invisible on my floor,
or did I forget to lock the door.
could it be the baby crying in the dark,
or the drunk who is laughing outside.
could it be the hidden bones yet to be found,
or maybe the people forgotten in their graves.
could it be the living dead,
or the missing time.
could it be all of those things,
or is it just me? what would I do without youI never had to ask you to be there,
it was enough to say that I was fine without you.
I never had to tell you what had happened,
you figured it out from what was going on.
I never had to listen to your preaching,
you used your presence to express your opinion.
I never had to cry on your shoulder,
it was enough just to know you were there.
I never had to justify my actions,
you accepted them as a part of me.
I never had to ask you to love me
you already did. did you know?I am writing words of a yesterday that never existed,
in a tomorrow which has already disappered.
Do you know why angels never cry? she said.
No, but I can tell you why the demons always laugh. he replied.
Do you know why there is buds in the trees? she asked.
No, but I am aware of the fact that there must be ashes after fire. he said.
Have you seen how the clouds always float in the sky? she wondered.
No, but I have noticed how stones always sink to the bottom of the ocean, he answered.
Have you felt how baby skin is always soft and smooth as flower pedals? she inquired.
No, but I can tell you that elderlys reminds me of tree trunks. he remarked.
Do you know why the earth never stop spinning? she said.
No, but I have found out why the darkness never fade away. he answered. Did you know that love never die? she asked
No, but I know that hope did. he replied. uselessI see no use for words,
their echo will soon die out, and their imprint fade away.
I hear no meaning in laughter,
replaced by silence which reminds us of the emptiness that follow.
I have no faith in comfort,
the warmth of a hug empathies the freezing feelings.
I have no need for dark nights,
the bright days are better hiding places, than old memories.
I have lost hope of time,
it can pass me by, always there, and yet never the same.
5月19日 ex-ampleI have an ample lot of ex's as examples.
I guess there is two ways to look at it, or worse maybe even four;
I can use my ample collection of ex's as an example of what I do want, and what I rather be without. I guess it is possible to look at it from all four perspectives, I just have not decided which one yet. 5月16日 better togetherThere is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart Our dreams, and they are made out of real things Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving Love is the answer At least for most of the questions in my heart Why are we here and where do we go And how come it's so hard It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving I'll tell you one thing It's always better when we're together Mmm, it's always better when we're together Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now Yeah, it's always better when we're together Mmm, we're somewhere in between together Well, it's always better when we're together Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm) I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me But there is not enough time And there is no, no song I could sing And there is no combination of words I could say But I will still tell you one thing We're better together Jack Johnson -could not have put todays thoughts in better words. |
|
|
