Today it is a very special day, because just in case anyone would forget,

 it is the 30th of April, 2006.

 

It is the Swedish King's 60th Birthday.

Of course we went to the castle to show our respect, and sing Happy Birtday. I mean it is not that often we do celebrate our royalties in all their glory. It is not that many monarchies left in the world either for that matter.

 

It is Valpurgis Eve.

If you are not swedish, you probabky wonder what that means?

This is the night we light huge bonefires, and sing songs about those graduating from secondary school. Everyone who has already graudated can wear their white caps, and then tomorrow is Labour day, so everyone can party as much as theyl like tonight. And they do. Originally the bonefires were lit to scrae away evil spirits, and also useful since dry wood is a major fire hazard in the summer. Now it is the day to celebrate that it is spring, and almost summer.

 

It is my 21st Birthday.

Here that does not that much of a big deal, but it still feels wierd. I am old. I mean not old perhaps, but to be 21 feels older than I am. I do not mind it, but it feels difficult to comprehend. What is it we celebrate with birthdays really? Is it that I have survived another year? Or is it everything I have learnt and experienced since my last birthday? Maybe it is my mother who should be celebrated, because now it has been 21 years since she gave birth to me. 21 years ago my parents became parents, and I think they have been great. So why am I the one getting presents, when I should be the one gratefully giving them away? Do I celebrate all they years that are left (hopefully) before I die? Or is it really that easy, that it is a day when I can just be, and people show their appreciation. Maybe.

 

It is a very special day nonetheless,

and congratualtions to the King, Eric, and my self.

 

 

I often feel like I have not aged a bit, and that I am still the same person I used to be.

Today I was proved wrong.

21 met 18.

 

In many aspects a couple of years here and there, is simply not something which matter. If a married couple differ a few years in age, or even a couple in their mid twenties does, well it is not something of significanse.

 

I may feel like I connect really well with someone who is younger than me. I may even say that I consider this person to be a friend, but it is like meeting a younger version of yourself. You do not see the process you have made in the last couple of years, from the reflection of your own life. I do feel as the same person, and it does not feel as if three years ago, is that far away. I have not changed that much. At least that is what I thought. In reality we need a mirror of what we used to be, to be able to feel the wrinkles, the scars and the differences in shape.

 

My view on relationships have changed.

My 18 year old's views upon relationships differ from my 21 year old's views.

It is a wonderful discovery. I am grateful for the fact that I have learnt something from everything I have been through, and it makes the journey worthwhile. However it is hard to tell my 18 year old self to do things differently. Because it is only due to the fact that I did things like I did, that I have now learnt from those experiences. That is not to say that I have done heaps of mistakes, or think that my 18 year old self had it all wrong. I just do not want the same things from life anymore, and hence I now do things differently.

 

But I am glad I did things the way I did when I was 18, and I am glad it took me to where I am. I do not wish I could go back three years in time, then I was happy with the choices I made, now I woud try to change them, althought that would ruin the whole process of growing up.

 

The question just popped out of my head, but now I just can not get rid of it.

 

I have cared about what guys want, for as long as I can remember. Now I do not care anymore, and I never thought that day would come. It feels strange, and the difference with asking this question this time around, is that now I am curious not to adapt, and become something else, but because I want to understand how they think.

 

There is the obvious.

Whether we care to admit it or not, we all do care about apperance. Male or female, young or older. Of course we look at those who makes our heads turn when we are out walking the streets. So I realiize that guys, just as I do, want someone they can feel an attraction with. They do not require perfection, and it may not be of the highest importance, but yes if the could choose they would pick a gorgeous looking girl. Thin, or maybe healthy and fit is a more appropriate term. Breasts, long hair, a great smile, curves on the right places meaning yes to hips, no to a big tummy, yes to breasts, and a firm but yet existing bottom. Correct me if I am mistaken.

 

Besides the obvious which you can tell with the eye, or at least guess, there is the more hidden but still physical matters. Nothing unnatural. Fresh breath, not too hairy - and no that is not what I meant. I am now talking about all the things she should not be. Not too smart, not too sporty, not too strong, not too beautiful and not too much. Not threatening the guy's manliness in anyway.

 

An interesting thing is that what guys are looking for now in a relationship, and in girls, is a reflection of the experience they have accumulated in the past. I must admit that I am not certain of what guys actually do want just yet, but I am on a quest to find out, starting tomorrow morning. If you care to tell me, please go right ahead. This is what I know so far.

 

Most guys want a decent woman with substance,

a woman with values who still cares about the simple things in life,

someone who appreciate him for who he really is.

Someone to laugh with.

 

Ever since I was a little girl I have been taught to fight for what I believe in. My parents have not raised me to sit on the sidelines, but to have the courage, strength, determination and patience to go out there and not rest until I get what I want.

 

When you lose something you want, it is hard to let go.

If it is still something I want,  how can I just walk away, and act like it is not worth fighting for? Like it is a lost battle, and that I have surrendered my sword.

I never surrender!

 

To surrender does not only mean that you give up hope, it also means that you are vulnerable and are not going to protect yourself any longer. It does not matter if you lose your dignity, your life force, your illusions which helps you to get through the day. I guess we all can come to that stage in life, when something turns our world upside down, and we suddenly value life differently.

 

The most amazing thing of all is that ever since we broke up all I have been told is how strong, courageous,tough, brave and mature I am. I do not understand it at all. If my coping skills exceeds expectations is that because people thought less of me, or if not then what is it which makes people perceive me as strong? Have I fooled the world, ar they too blind, or too willing to see everything as fine, because it is easier to do so?

 Everything is not fine.

 

I am not strong.

I lay awake most of the night, wondering what went wrong, and I still have no answers. I feel pathetic, useless, worthless, and hurt. I hate feeling like that, and it makes me angry, not at you, but at my self. It is not worth it, and I should not waste  my time in self pity, especially since it will not change anything.

 

I just do not know how to get over you.

Am I supposed to pretend not to care? Should I act like it all did not matter, like I am totally over you and that everything is fine?  When we are both online at msn at the same time, and you totally ignore me, should I not take it as an insult? The fact that it has been almost a month since I last saw you, should that not make me feel sad?

 

Is it supposed to be like this?

That after having been together, a team against the world, who share everything and love each other - we do not even speak, there is only silence!

Everything means nothing.

It is like it never even happened. Like it did not matter to you. Like I did not matter. Like we, and everything I cherished, was worthless. For me it is impossible to pretend, and I may keepmy self busy, I may refuse to become a victim, but I refuse to act like it did not matter.

 

 I know that there is probably nothing I can do to make things right, especially since I do not even see what I did wrong, but I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. I can not fight for what I want. I should not believe in what I feel for you, in what I know we had,  and I should try to let go and just give it all up. It feels so wrong, and to stop fighting makes me feel helpless. Unfortunately I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe that is all I can do.

 

This is it:

I surrender my sword and lay it down at your feet.

You pierced my heart, so I have no use for a sword anymore anyway.

You need it much more than I ever will.

Yesterday something took place not far from here.

The National Democrats, a political group of people with very extreme views on immigrants and nationality, was allowed to demonstrate close by.

It was a helicopter in the air, and the police was everywhere.

These people were allowed to scream out their opinions, and yes they did express them peacefully and organised, but that is in fact what scares me.

 

Then we have the other side, those who oppose the National Democrats.

They protested, and did not have a permission to do so.

The police were protecting the one's who were against equality and democracy,

and it all just seemed so wrong.

 

I was walking out on the streets, and it was more alternative people than usual out in this part of town, and suddenly I became suspicious.

Who belonged to what group?

What did people in fact really think about it all?

 

Maybe it is fair that anyone can express their view, that is an important aspect in a democracy.

However it made me feel so uncomfortable, like this was not the safe place I thought I lived in.

I also thought it was wrong that they were allowed to insult and upset so many people.

From another point of view it was good that they were allowed to do so.

It hopefully makes the majority of us recent them and what they stand for, it reminds us of the fact that there are those who think differently, and that we hence must continue to secure equality and democracy.

If we only take it for granted, somepeople may take advantage of it.

 

If I went and held a demonstration, not agianst anything in particular, but rather said what most people think, it would not nearly create the same reactions. Nobody would even care. It is great that anyone is allowed to express their thoughts, but it is a tool which needs to be safeguarded and appreciated.

 

What does it take for you to know a person?

 

I was in a conversation today with someone I have known for more than 2½ years, about when you actually know someone. We do know the basics of each others lives, and although we have never been close, we can discuss heaps and talk about what is going on in our lives.

 

Is a person who they think they are, who they are trying to be or who we perceive them as being?

 

What defines who we are?

 

I do not think I need to know everything about a person, to say that I know them. There are many ways in which to find out exactly what you want about a person besides the obvious. Many times what a person is not telling is more important than what is actually being said.

 

Through actions we can see how a person react in different situations.

Through discussions we can learn their values and how they think.

Through how a person live their life we can figure out what is essential for him or her, how they prioritize and maybe even the reasons why they act the way they do.

Through all of this we can quite easily get to know a person, without him or her actually intending to show as much as we happen find out.

 

The funny thing is that even if we all would have access to the same information about a person, we would not perceive him or her in the same way. We see others with our own personality, our values as measurement.

 

I do not think it is possible to know someone else, until you know yourself.

Because your own personality being the reference, you will not be able to understand and see someone else, until you have a clear vision to see with.

 

The most amazing thing with knowing someone, is that you can always be surprised. Who we are is not carved in stone, but changes as the clouds on the sky does depending on the weather. You may think you know someone, and then suddenly they do something completely unpredictable. Or they never dared to show who they truly were. It is hard to know in fact, when you do know someone. It is more of a feeling, than an actual thing which you can prove.

 

There is no requirement for my friends to know everything that is going on in my life, for them to be able to know me.  People know different sides of who I am, and perceive me differently, but I stay the same.

 

Do you know me?

 

 

Have you ever lost faith?

 

Sometimes we lose faith, and when that happens it feels like you are floating in an ocean of confusion, with waves of questions crushing against the shore before you are able to take the time to ride on them, surfing through them looking for the answers.

 

I am not a very good surfer, in fact I dare say I stink at it.

It is not only that the water usually is cold, then there is this big heavy surfboard to carry, and I do not like showing off my body. Then you need to wait out for a good wave, and somehow there never seem to be one which is just right, not to frightening and not to small. Worst of all, when you finally pick one, comes the hardest thing of all. To stand up, find the balance and ride on it, or well surf. Of course you usually fall, and if you are unlucky the surfboard will give you a bruise or two. Since surfing is a sport what you are supposed to do is paddle back out again and try once more.

 

Practice makes perfect.

 

Once you actually manage to stand up and surf, it is an awesome feeling, which gives you an enormous rush. You feel alive, and like you can face anything. (Maybe not sharks, but I am afaraid of them even in my own bathtub, so I guess there is always an exception.) I wish I had that feeling right now, the conviction that all the bruises, the moments when you are freezing you ass off or looking ridiculos, -that it all did not matter.

 

Right now it does matter.

It is just too many questions, and I do believe the only pleasant thing I can say about surfing right now is that at least I can admit that I am terrible at surfing, and I know what is in store for me when I decide to surf. Hence it is safe. Still there is no point, because I am not getting better.

 

Everyone may not have been surfing yet, and it is something I recommend you to try, not only because it is rare amongst my friends, but also because it is fun. However it is dangerous too, and personally I may go surfing, but I am not so sure about other matters which makes me feel just the same without the exposure of my body. It seems so pointless.

 

I do not know if I believe any longer.

I had this one thing which I honestly believed in, and I feel like it let me down, like it was not at all what I thought it was, or what I think it should mean. I guess someone who believe in God would ask the question

"God why have you deserted me?".

 

In most cases he has not, one has just momentarily lost faith.

Desperately seeking the answer to why God deserted you, it is hard to accept that there is no answer. You just have to believe, have faith and try to get up on that surfboard again, even when you know all the suffering which comes with it. You have to believe that it is worth it, for that moment when you master it all. That moment when everything is perfect, anything is possible, and you feel weightless.

 

I just do not know if I am ready to believe that yet. If it is worth it, and if I am willing to find out. Because even when you find a perfect wave, something unpredictable may occur, and suddenly it is crashing against the shore whilst you are floating in the freezing water. You were not even given a chance to ride on it, and see if it would have given you some answers.

 

No maybe it is better to not even go surfing in the first place, despite the thrill when it all fall into place. Maybe it is obvious that I do not honestly believe that myself, but I just do not know if I think surfing is fun enough, if it is worth it. The worst part is that maybe I am a great surfer, with terrible bad luck. Regardless of how much I try, there will never be a perfect wave, and I will damage myself forever due to having tried bold moves, and then I will never be able to go surfing ever again. Even if it is the one thing I am good at, that may not be enough. It is not. So what exactly is the point?

 

 

 

 

Today has been the best day in a very long time.

 

I woke up, with the wonderful memories of the night before, but without being given time to dwell in the past. Instead it was a phonecall which woke me up, and suddenly I was in a rush to face the new day.

 

And what a day.

There is something special about this person. He is and that is it.

Whilst I woke up tired, grumpy and stressed, he was cheerful and full of patience.

After being around him, I always feel so content with life. So grateful. So happy.

 

The best thing is that we actually can talk.

Not just talk, but actually see the other person.

Give our own perspective, enjoy each others success, and support each other in our struggles.

 

The day is about to get even better.

The doorbell is my que to leave.

 

 

 

 

Let go

it is time to let go

time is running out

you can not run anymore

it is time to face your fears

you will fall hard

despite your attempts to soften the fall

no physical strength will help in this case

it will be a fight you have not yet fought

you are not prepared

and yet you never will be

it is not a matter of winning

but of not losing what is yours

i have faith in you

this is something you have to do alone

but i will get you through

that much i can promise you

your speed can not help- there is no place to run

your strength will not do- there is no one to fight

your technique is useless -you can not hide

it is time to let go

it is time to face the truth

it is time to do what you never dared to

it is time because i love you and i am here for you

 

I am looking out of the window, at the world below where people are passing by. It is quite dark outside, but the asphalt is shimmery due to the rain earlier today. It looks so peaceful outside, I feel tempted to get out there instantly, and join the crowd. They all have some purpose, they are going somewhere definite, whether that be a club, a restaurant, home or to a friend or lover. Every step, and every turn the cars make in the crossing, is without hesitation, and they are passing me in a regular pace.

I stay up here instead, because I would only feel lost if I went outside and it would ruin the illusion which I am viewing from my window. I envy those who pass me the sense of purpose, and I wish I felt as if I too was walking to a set goal.

Instead I am currently as confused as my room is messy. Twice a year, I change wardrobes, and I am about to replace my winter clothes in grey and brown, with way too many pink skirts. There is more clothes, then I have space for, and need for. I will never be able to use them all, or at least it is very unlikely that I will, since I continuously buy new clothes as well. Hence I am facing a problem of being realistic.

This dilemma is of course a luxury, and very trivial indeed, but I have the same dilemma when it comes to my life. I just do not know what I would like to do, what I need to do, and what I should do. There are so many options out there, so many roads to walk on, but not enough time to do so. The choice of what I should study, and as a result work with, is I believe one of the biggest in my life. I can not wear my two favorite dresses at the same time, and I can not live in two countries, or study law, medicine, politics, and economy simultaneously. I consider it all as important and interesting, and it is only by chance I am currently studying economics and supposed to go to the uk and study international relations. I do not walk with determined steps, in a regular pace.

I know that life is what happens when you are busy making others plans, and that regardless of what I eventually choose to do, it may not be what I will end up doing. Thus I should not worry as much as I do, or envy those passing on the streets below. They too just choose a goal, walked the path, and maybe turned around when they got there. Lucky enough it is a beautiful night for walks, maybe even I will dare to go for a stroll in the park and clear my mind.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Everyday we learn something new. It can be something trivial such as a word in Spanish which I picked up when helping my little sister with her homework, or something rather important which I will remember for the rest of my life. Unfortuneatly many lessons, I have been told, but they do not become real and I do not listen to them, until I have made my own mistakes.

 

Life-

is a disovery of ourselves, others and the world around us.

It is not possible to simply hear or read the lessons, we have to experience life ourselves, to understand the meaning of them. This is not an easy, happy journey through life, but it means struggle, mistakes and development. If someone would tell me "I would not go there if I were you", I do not listen, I question "why not" instead. And if I get an answer which I can not relate to, I will go there anyway, or if I do not I will regret and wonder what would have happened if I would have.

 

There are many things I regret doing, things I wish would not have happened, and some I wish would have played out differenly. But my life is what it is, and I am who I am, as a result of everything I have encountered.

 

If we put this in relation to love, I can share the most recent lessons learnt.

 

First of all I am a romantic fool, who believe that love conquer all.

So when I was hit by love at first sight, nothing else mattered. Love was enough for me. That we had nothing in common, did not share any values or goals, and had completly different needs and backgrounds well it did not seem that important at the time. I had faith in our relationship, due to love, and it was not a sensible thing to do.

 

Now when I am still in love with him, but no longer going out with him, I get advice.

One of my best friends told me yesterday that

"I know you hurt and miss him right now, but soon you will realize that there is no reason to be so sad, because he was never able to give you what you wanted and needed".

According to me when I give advice to others, it is important that they share a common ground of love, and can prioitiece each other and their needs. But when it was my own life I was living, then all that just did not seem to matter. I learned that lesson the hardway, that despite feelings, there are certain things that need to be present. I will remember that for next time, or I hope so at least.

 

Because we have a tendency to forget lessons learnt, and repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

 

continue later....

So life has once again started:

single life that is.

 

I am not the kind of person who will allow myself to sit at home, sulking and missing.

Instead it is just to get out there again, and live life.

It has been a while, actually almost a year, and it feels a bit threatening.

 

Who am I kidding?

This is me, I have made dating a sport, and although I never find anyone I want to keep, I like to date. It is always as exciting to see what will happen, to get to know new people, and sell oneself. It may sound bad, but on a date you are marketing yourself. I love the attention, compliments, nice food and the social aspect.

 

So Monday morning I realized that I was once again single, and even noticed a handsome guy who waited for the bus with me. I needed the looks, the smiles and the attention. Later on in the day, he stepped in to my work, and I cracked up laughing. Then we started talking, and I made him forget what he came in to buy, so he came once more. I will definetly see him again, since we are practically neighbours.

 

Then yesterday I had lunch with a new found friend of mine.

We have so much in common. Literature, music, culture to mention some.

We went for a walk through town, and joked our way through the 3 hour lecture, playing 20 questions, chess, and discussing God knows. We are only friends, but all the things me and David did not share, we have in common, and it is pretty creepy.

 

Then last night I went out with an ex of mine for dinner. He was the perfect gentleman, picking me up by the door, then opening the car door. We went to a cozy Italian restuarant with delicious food and candlelight. It was a dinner full of laughs, and it felt good that we have stayed friends. Then we dropped by his apartment, where he gave up one out of 900 dvd's, since he knew it was my favorite. I guess he knew the cure was Audrey in all her sweetness and decency, so he dropped me off by the door and gave my hand a kiss. I was treated as a lady, and we share the same values. He has the nicest apartment out of all the men I know, and piké's in every possible colour besides pink.

 

After Audrey, I called up a friend of mine, and we sat on the bench outside enjoying the night breeze. He gave me compliments, and dared to share personal things with me. He trusted me enough to let me in, and we both enjoy spending time together, even when we have other thinsg we should be doing. He makes me feel special.

 

I am lucky.

On paper I have people in my life who can give me everything I need.

In reality, I do not care for fancy dinners or Opera, not if I can not share it with the right person.  Compliments, attention, appreciation, -it is all very well, but not enough.

 

Something is missing.

I am single, but I will keep it on a level of sweetness and decency.

I am not capable of anything else.