I guess you can say it has been a Beautiful Disaster,

unfortuneatly it is over, or so it seems, because he still does not know what he wants.

 

Sometimes things does not work out the way you want them to, no matter how much you try. I learned my lesson the hard way. You can give everything you have, your heart, your time and yourself, and it may still not be enough to make it last.

 

It hurts.

Since it means that I am not enough, and since it means I am losing someone I love. I gave that person everything, but it was not enough for him to love me.

 

I loved every second (here comes the tears)!

If I knew it would end like this, I would still want to have spent every second with him, and I would have given him everything nonetheless, even my heart for him to break.

It has been a beautiful disaster.

 

All the beatiful memories I can keep, although I did return the key.

They hurt like hell, as well as all the wonderful pictures where I look happy, and he even look like he is in love with me. I can not help thinking about us and looking at the pictures anyway, because it means so much to me.

 

It in the end it was a disaster.

First of all I have been trying so hard, given it everything, but no progress.

Then I even went along and did what I knew I should not do, which resulted in seventeen days torn between dreading the worst and dreaming about the best. Not very good for either my physical or my mental health.

And finally he could not choose, he neither loved me or left me. I had to do it all for him. I think that is on the list of one of the most difficult, sensible things I have ever done. I love him, and still I knew this could not go on.So I went and got my stuff, and left the key.

 

I let myself do one last cute thing, not to win him back, but because I wanted him to know how much he means. So I left 17 roses on the kitchen table, in a beer glass with a note saying "David one rose for every day that I missed you Kisses". Maybe he wont even notice. Maybe he is over me, maybe he has found another girl, maybe he never loved me, maybe.....

 

I guess I would like some answers.

It feels like although I am the one who has just got my heartbroken, it is me who is the strong one, and worse the mature one. Not only that he did not want to solve our problems, but gave it a break, then he asks for more time, and then he can not answer what is wrong, or what he wants.

He doesnt even answer his cellphone, so we cant even settle it as mature people once and for all. I think that hurts the most right now, that he wont even talk to me, and that he knows I will consider us having broken up when it turns to the 18th day, and we had decided to speak no matter what today, but still he ignores me. He can not even break up with me. I think it is a rude, immature and coward way to end our relationship.

 

It ended in disaster, but it was beautiful, and I still love him.

He just did not love me,

but he could not even say so.

There is a paper full of questions,

I don't know the answers to.

 

Funny thing is

they have all got to do with you.

 

Skin and bones,

let me see,

could it be that

you don't love me.

 

Uni and work,

busy girl,

Sleepless nights,

twist and turn.

 

Skin and bones,

cold as stone,

does my heart

still have a home.

 

Head held high,

tears run dry,

could you please

tell me why.

 

Skin and bones,

we are still the same,

weak and strong,

 the questions will remain.

 

There is an empty paper full of answers,

the pen had run out of ink.

 

 

 

Dont take this wrong, some of my best friends are girls.

 

I have realized however that I prefer guys.

 Not only are they way less complicated, straight forward and honest There is no competition at all, since we want different things. And yes I like the fact that we are different. We can exchange things, and try new things as well as become more guyish with the guys, or invite a male friend to do something girly.

 

I love the fact that they do not think the way I do. It is like having a pair of glasses, and I get a completly different view on the world, not at all the same one as I thought I knew. It makes me understand things better, and also see myself in a different view. It gives me clarity. As silly, shallow, and pathetic as it may sound, I feel more feminine around guys. It just makes me a happier, more comfortable and secure being. With my male friends I feel like I can be all that I am, and also give much more of myself.

 

It is not that I want them to fancy me as more than a friend, or that I fancy any of my male friends. I just love hanging out with them. Of course it is nice to feel that you can rely on others regardless of gender. To be honest, and most girls are probably not going to say this outloud, I mean  we are not supposed to be weak. Anyway the point I am trying to make is that around guys I feel much more safe. My girlfriends can provide emotional support, but a shoulder to cry on, someone walking you home in the middle of the night, and who could carry you or your bags if you were ill, tired or weak, - well it feels good to know that I have such people.

 

It is my male friends, who have made me realise that although I love my boyfriend, I dont need him. I will get through this anyway, and someone has got my back covered. It is also my male friends who make me not lose faith in love or guys. I know there is some wonderful guys out there, and I am fortunate enough to know quite a few.

 

And lets face it!

When a guy gives me a compliment or is concerned baout my apperance or weight- well then I know it has nothingt to do with unconsious jealousy.

When a guy gives me a comment or an opinion about something on a more serious level, it means more, because then I have proved myself. And some would say it does not have to be that way. But hearing a guy say "wow you are strong I did not think you could carry that" is worth more than if it was coming from a girl.

 

Guys are less sensitive, more open, and straight forward, easier to fool, there is no clash in interests, and just so wonderfully simple. Plus I love the attention.

 

The best thing with my male friends is that they restore the confidence I had lost in my self. Some of the things I have been told lately really got to me, and made me doubt the very being I am so proud of being. So when I started questioning myself, and if I was all the things I had been told, and if what I do and who I am is wrong, offensive or unattractive -it was great to see how even the guys could become emotional and passionate when they reaasured me that I am a lovely girl, and how importnat they thought it was for me to stay true to my self.

 

I love my guys.

 

I visited the place where we last met.

Nothing was changed, the gardens were well-tended,

The fountains sprayed their usual steady jet;

There was no sign that anything had ended

And nothing to instruct me to forget.

 

The thoughtless birds that shook out of the trees,

Singing an ectasy I could not share,

Played cunning in my thoughts. Surely in these

Pleasures there could not be a pain to bear

Or any discord save the level breeze.

 

It was because the place was just the same

That made your absence seem a savage force,

For under all the gentleness there came

An earthquake tremor: fountain, birds and grass

Where shaken by my thinking of your name.

 

(Elizabeth Jennings)

Right now I am in a tricky situation,

and it is quite funny really how people view my situation differently, depending on gender.

 

I think it has something to do with the fact that women go by their feelings, whilst males instead are sensible, rational creatures.

Out of all the advice I have been give, (and I am very grateful for all the support!) it has been difficult to create my own opnion.

 

All the females in my life have basically felt the same way I do, and told me:

 it is a dead end, he got cold feet, I deserve better, and that if he really did love me he would have missed me enough to have called me by now, I mean it has been 12 days.The bottom line: there is no hope, and I better get on with my life, regardless of how much I miss him. I will always be insecure and hurt, due to him needing a break. None can understand how I have managed to not call him during this time, and think I am so strong.  

 

All the males in my life on the other hand they have given me a completley different view of the situation I am in. It is natural to want a break, if it has been going very qucikly, and it does not mean that it is something wrong with me, he just needs distance and time to evaluate the relationship, before it gets even more serious and that time needs to be when  he is

"not being influenced by a beautiful blond cooking him dinner and in general being really lovely".

(thanks for the compliment by the way)

They think I should give him the time and space he needs, and not blame him for it. And I should not consider it a dead end and give ip hope, instead I should do everything I can to make it work. The guys opinion is that I need to have faith, this is nothing unnatural or wrong, and it is all just so that he can listen to his mind, and not only his heart.

 

I guess the fact that I follow my heart and guys follow their mind,

is what worries me actually. I mean I would be telling a lie, and have a nose as long as Pinochios if I said that there is not heaps of sensible reasons why I should not be going out with David. The main one being that he is not in love with me because then he would not have needed a break, so why should I put myself through all this, and give everything I have, when he is never going to do the same?

But I am a girl, and it does not matter how many male friends I have got, and how sensible and rational they sound, or how much they reason with me. In the end I am still going to be just a girl, and I will follow my heart. According to me it is the only sensible thing to do.

 

Today I had planned my evning completley.

 

All it took to change it was one phonecall from someone who was more important than your everyday people and plans. Suddenly life became a compromise.

I think the wonderful thing was that I did not have to change anything, I could just include him in my old plans.

 

That is how I want life to be, at least relationships.

A friend of mine should be able to call, and tell me he is around, and I should not have to drop everything, but simply add him to the plans. So whilst I thought I was going to have a family dinner, and then go out, instead one of my best friends, who lives in another town, 200 km away, dropped by, and cheered up my day. I mean I was looking forward to a family dinner, and was not willing to give it up, but I did not even have to.

 

I love my family for that.

It is something I appreciate so much! I do not have to lead seperate lives, but they always embrace all parts of my life. Tonight it was David from Linkoping, and my parents, especially my mother have during the last 8!  years really accepted him and taken him in to her own life as well. It was not less of a family dinner, it was just more precious to me.

 

That is how life should be. I mean when you can make a jigzaw puzzle with all thinsg that are important, and it all fit together, then life is good. It made me happy!

 

 

 

 

 

Things can always get worse.

Or rather, there are always things that are more important than whatever it was that occupied your time from the beginning. You can not simply put yourself first. Maybe you are actually the strong one, who need to provide love, support and comfort to others.

 

Right now I am concerned.

It has got nothing to do with me, for once I am not self centered. However it is not only the effects upon those around me which makes me concerned, but the matter that things have turned out this way. To be honest I do not even have my facts straight. I know absolutley nothing for certain, and since feelings can not be involved, I feel lost.

 

There are times when you need to be rational.

I wish I knew what was happening. I wish I could help. I wish I could understand, without becoming involved. I wish I would have been there. I wish there was something I could do, or that I knew what I could do. Everything else will have to wait, I do not care anymore. Let the world spin, the sky fall down on our heads, and it would make no difference. I am not in control, but I will stay with my feet in the ground, and provide a solid base. I am going to be here.

 

A new perspective.

Suddenly guys, even the one I am in love with, is not what troubles me. Of course I wish he could be here, and help me with this which I just will have to do.If he chose to, or can not then well he will just have to wait. I am strong enough to get through this without him, because this is the most important thing of all. If I can not share it, well then I can not trust him, then we are obviously not right for one another.

 

Being there without giving up your self

I need to prioritize differently, and my own life is not important right now. I know that I am strong, I have self respect, been taught to love my self and others as well as stand on my own to feet, be stubborn and  never give up faith, you can do anything you set your mind to. Now I need to put it into action. However I can not sacrifice everything I am, or everything I do. My life is not less important, but I need to allocate my time differently that is all.

 

I am deeply concerned right now, and the one I would like to talk to is not available. However it will be ok. I will get through this, we will get through this, and I am going to be everything that I can be, remember everything I have ever been taught and make sure the damage will be as little as possible.

 

I pray that it will be enough.

Lately I have not been my self, and I would like to apolegise to everyone.

I am sorry.I am going through a challenging period, and all my strength is focused on keeping my self respect as to not fall into pieces.

But then I started thinking.

Is it not so that it is when life is difficult, that we really show our true faces, meaning who we really are, not just who we are trying to be.

 

I have my own saying that:

"you are only as good as your worst day."

 

Since I am vain, that originally meant that when I am feeling my worst, I do not let it show. It is not that silly, because when you have got makeup on, you are not going to cry as easily, since you do not want to ruin your makeup.

If you do not let yourself walk around in pj's, track pants and gross hair, then you will not feel as bad, and others will leave you alone. It goes back to having selfrespect, and hope. Then of course what if someone would turn up on your doorstep and make everything alright! Do you really want that person to know exactly how terrible you have been feeling?

 

Recently I have realised that everyone truly are only as good as their worst day.

For example we have those friends whos' lives became turbulent,  simultaneously with mine. Some of them have still managed to be a great support, despite their messy, hectic lives, whilst others have not seemed to care or have the time.I must add here that Chris my precious brother, well I could not do without you.

 

It goes for school to, and work for that matter.

It is not how efficient, and perfect you may perform when everything in your life is going smooth, it is how well prepared you are, and how well you can perform when everything else in your life is torture.

 

In the end it is about keeping it together.

Struggeling, seeing the challange in all the misery and not giving up hope.

When we are under pressure, who we are, and how we prioritce, becomes obvious.

 

So yes, at the moment I am not all that I can be, but that is no excuse and I am sorry.I should still not forget to be all that I am! Regardless of the circumstances there is never an excuse to lose yourself in self pity, anxiety, recentlessness, hopelessness and negative thoughts.Then life will never turn around.

 Now I am going to ge out of my baggy pants, and the cardigan I wore yesterday, wash my hair and put makeup on.

Maybe even a smile.

Do you believe in true love?

 

Do you believe that once in your life, you will meet someone and it will be love at first sight? That there is someone out there who is right for just you, and that you are meant to find each ohter?

 

I know people who are in love and in relationships, but who are not willing to commit to them, because they know for certain that it is not the love of their life. They know that it is not going to be the one they marry and have children with.

But if you in your mind, is picturing someone else, someone more suitable, what is the point of being in a serious relationship?

 

I mean is it not then better to wait for something better, and not hurting someone's feelings? Because when you met someone who makes your heart skip a beat, by just looking at you, then I am certain you will feel as if this is meant to last forever. From my own experience I know that it can lead to uncomfortable situations. One should be careful with love, it is not a game to play.

 

Some say that this is not the right time to meet the love of our lives, because we are not experienced enough yet, not emotionally or personally. We are yet to find out what we truly want in life, and out of a partner. Then we can decide to share it with that special someone.

 

But maybe it is possible that love just jumps in, even when it is not planned. If love is one of the few things we can not control, then maybe we can meet find true love despite young age and inexperience. Maybe the problem is to actually keep it together, without loosing one another, and that challange is more difficult when we are young then we we are more mature.

 

I think it is key to have faith in love.

Love is not rational, sensible, reasonable, or planned - it just happens.

You either embrace it, enjoy it, and let it lead your life,

or you will lose it.

 

You may find the love of your life when you are 17, even if it may be something you are still fighting when you are 21. The odds may be against you, but if the feelings have not left, but are still as strong - could not that be true love? Obviously there is faith in that.

 

You may find that special someone, and he or she may prove to be your opposite. You may not have much in common, but that is the beauty of love, it creates a common ground for you both to stand on. That is if the feelings are mutual, and you both have faith and willingness to see where it will lead you.

 

I do not understand why people are in relationships they do not have faith in.

Yes I can see arguments such as we have great sex, it is better than being lonely, we have so much in common, and well we have been going out for so long and grown acustomed to each others lives. But there is someone out there, who will completely turn your world upside down, and it will never be the same agian.

 

Is it better to wait, or go looking?

 

Do you believe in true love?

I am numb.

 

I am going around waiting for a decision which will affect me.

I am going around waiting and trying to be strong enough to face the outcome.

I am going around waiting, and every second feels like an hour, every hour like a day, and every day feels like a month.

 

I can't wait for this to be over.

I am so scared of the unknown second when this is over.

What willl happen?

 

I do not know what will happen.

Hence it is hard to get through the day.

I need to be positive, because I wish everything will turn out for the better.

But what if it does not?

I need to be negative, and prepared for the worst, not that it will help me handle it better, but at least then it will not come as another surprise.

 

I have developed a kind of numbness.

It is working out pretty well.

My eyes are constantly red and swollen, but I am not crying, and there is no tears.

I am constantly dreading the worst, and dreaming about the best.

 

I have been told that everyday that pass should give me some hope, because it is one day less left.

I look at it from the opposite point of view.

Because everyday that pass, is yet another day when you did not miss me, when you did not make up your mind, it means you are doubting still about something I consider very easy.

 

Love me or leave me.

When you said those words, I thought my heart would break.

In fact I think it did.

 

The clock stopped ticking, the birds stopped singing and even the fridge stopped making its annoying noise.

My world however did not as I thought it would fall in to pieces, and the ground I stand on did not crumble underneath my feet.

 

I miss you so much, I think of you constantly and I do still love you.

But I am OK.

Do not worry about me.

I mean what is the point, when you wanted to get away.

You wanted to be alone, you wanted to hide, you wanted to get rid of me, you wanted me to leave you alone.

 

You did not care about how all of this would make me feel or affect me.

It is a little late to care now.

So do not worry about me.

 

I guess the reason things did not crumble underneath my feet, was that I knew that I had done the best I could.

No regrets.

 

I really tried, and I stayed true to myself.

I did not compromise who I am, I did not lose myself and I did not lose faith, neither love.

 

If it is not enough to be me, then there is nothing I can do.

If what I feel is not enough to make you happy, then you do not deserve my feelings.

If you do not appreciate spending time with me, I will not waste another second.

 

You asked for something I could not give you,

you took it anyway,

without giving me a choice.

 

I do have a choice.

 

You have to fight for what you want,

not take the easy way out.

 

That is your choice,

I have already made up my mind.

 

Do you dare to find out what it is?

 

 

I am starting to panic.

It is only 18 days left until my exam, which will decide my whole course.

So well, hm time to start studying hard core. Full time.

So bye bye everyone, I am locking myself up, I am only going to be working, and studying. Sounds like fun does it not?

 

Nah but seriously I will love my life so much more in 18 days, because then I have managed to get through a more difficult period this year.

Then I will have time again.

 

Someone might claim that 16 days is plenty of time, but I work 10 of those 18 days.

That is besides school, which is still on going, with seminars.

 

Anyway life is so boring right now, but just a little bit longer, and maybe I will get there, to where I am happy again,

 

just a little bit (18 days) longer.

 

 

 

life-

it has a rhythm, a pace and a feeling

 the life we lead is full of both ordinary and extrodinary things.

 

we wake up, eat, work, study, exercise, socialize, have sex, shower and sleep.

then we wake up to another day.

 

the life we lead, has a rhythm, distinctive patterns that we can not change:

evidently we have to follow the pace of time, we group up, we age, and we also have to eat, sleep and fill up our time.

 

we can not change the fact that the sun will go down, and then rise to another day, and after a certain amount of time that we define as hours, it will be sunset, and that every seventh day is a Monday Morning.

 

It is not so much what we do that defines us, because we all do the same things really, so that does not make us special. It is how we do them, and how much time we spend on each activity and event. It is that feeling, and how we prioritice due to that feeling, which make the life we lead special.

 

Do you live for your work, or through what you achieve?

Do you live for your future, focusing on school?

 

Very few live for the moment, it is somehow forgotten.

I guess that even if we intend to, the moment is often put aside for a thought upon something about to happen, an exam, a meeting or a problem.

One must have to look upon it from the bright side:

even our everyday life, the ordinary events, are turbulent enough to make us forget the essence of the day.

here and now.

 

Right now the snow is melting, the sky is blue, and it is beautiful outside.

Of course I am stuck with my applying Microeconomics book, and can not enjoy it fully-too bad. In two hours I am seeing a friend who it has been a while since I saw, and then I am exercising, and maybe seeing my boyfriend.

That is my day.

 

the life I lead will never change, although it is dynamic.

it is the ordinary things that are extrodinary.

I just have to take the luxury to enjoy every moment, and not take a beautiful day for granted. It is not the last beautiful day I will ever see, but that should not make it less special.

 

I guess life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.

Because even though life has a rhythm, a pattern, and a pace-

all those things you do without thinking, which happen around you-

things will still happen that you did not expect:

you will find love, friendship, sorrow and disappontment in your life.

 

you can not choose or control everything around you,

but it is upto you to confront everyday and make the most of it.

make sure you lead and not follow.

it is your life after all.

 

 

 

 

Have you ever listened to your grandparents telling you that everything was so much better before? That they do not understand what has happened to the world?

 

When we grop up we try to stand steady on the ground, we have our dreams but we are also realistic and enjoy everyday.

 

When you get old, I believe we lose the stand. Some lose their memory, otherse their health, others their strength, others their friends and family, and others lose themselves.

 

For everyday we age a little I believe we lose touch with the real world, and start to float a bit above ground, towards heaven.

I mean if you look at it, we do grow up and stand further away from the ground as we increase in height.

Then of course we shrink as we age, but than it is to late, and we lose our eyesight anyway so we can not see the real world.

Instead we wear our glasses, have a selective view upon the world, influenced by our life experiences.

 

We only live in the real world as children.

That is when we are open minded, can see things for what they are, can be, and should be, instead of what they are not, what they could not possibly be.

Children do not yet have the experience to judge things,

they are still amazed, curious and nothing is ordinary.

 

I have a man at work, who is sent down to shop by his son, as a way to practice his mind. It is not working at all, but the idea would be nice were it not for it only being due to the son's lazyness.

He comes in and want the same thing everyday, many times a day, but he still need a note. That is not enough though, because although he can read the note, he can not comprehend what it means, or remember what he read more than a second or two. Hence he need help to pick out the groceries, which we give him. However he is still so confused so he does not know if he has paid or not, he does not remember his pincode to his card, (we do) and he does not even know how to pay at times. Then afterwards when he has taken his groceries, always including atleast one package of red prince, he is not certain he has got everything.

 

The point I am here trying to make, is that he has indeed lost touch with the real world, and it is sad.

I should pity him, but instead I avoid him, he makes me feel uncomfortable and annoyed. I mean why do I have to deal with him? He need help!

I am terrified that that will be me someday.

Maybe it is already me, although not that extreme.

Do I see the world for what it is,

or for what it is not?

 

 

SHOES

_________________

 

Today's topic, may not seem a bit unpersonal. It is not, I would say due to the importance of choosing shoes.

It may seem shallow, but shoes are of the highest importance, and it is the time a year when you should start to think about them because soon the slush will disappear (hopefully), and then there will be no excuse not to have nice, shining, shoes.

 

It does not matter how many pairs you have got.

What matters is that you take good care of them, and that they are comfortable as well as personal. When ever I meet someone new, I look down at their shoes. It is more important than your eyecolour or condition of your nails. If you want to make a neat and proper impression, they it is your shoes you should think of first.

 

For me that means that I need shoes, before I can think of my new spring collection of clothes. Since it is me, I need several pairs, and sneakers are trivial whilst everything with heels are of greatest importance! Secondly neat little shoes, which look cute and dressed up are also necessary, because I need shoes in which to walk a mile in.

Especially now when we are going to Paris, they need to be comfortable, otherwise I will ruin the whole trip complaining about how my feet ache.

 

It is always difficult to choose shoes.

It is the thing I consider to be most challenging with each new season and fashion.

Not only to combine what you have already got, with what you need to update your wardrobe, but also to then get used to new styles and shapes of shoes.

It can take a while for me to accept that last summers favourite shoes will have to stay in their box, until next year.

 

Sometimes the new shoe fashion can be so ugly and repulsive!

Like the wedges that became popular last summer, and still are in the stores. I object, and I am proud not to own a pair.

 I am glad to say I have finally chosen the shoes for this season,

giving credit to Ant, who certainly helped.

 

Today I bought a pair of ballerinas in a eggshell colour, and a brown fake snake leather pattern around the edge. I can wear them to white, beige, brown, and other colours of course. They are cute and comfortable. Perfect for Paris.

I also bought a pair of slingbacks, blackish, blueish, greyish in colour. They have got a bowtie and a neat little 6-7 cm heel. Dressed up, and perfect for both wild party nights, a shopping spree and casual days when you still want to look classy.

 

Left to be enchanted by is a pair of pumps- everyday, black or brown, perferably with a more robust heel. Steady shoes for steady walks around campus or in parks.

 

Then of course I am realistic and know that more shoes will discover me, and I will fall in love. Hence I dont worry, plus I will probably fall hard for a piece of clothing which require a certian type/ colour of shoes to match it.

 

No more boots, at least not with really tight jeans tucked in to them. Maybe to a skirt.

Ankle boots can be replaced by pumps, and sneakers, not to forget loafers- my favourite everyday shoe- in non heel model that is.

 

Best of all I think I am going to treat myself with a pair of Karen Millen. Seriously not only window shopping this year! First of all I need to give my feet a treat, and find a nice pair of shoes to walk into the store in.

 

What is your favourite shoe?

 

Oh I can not wait for it to be Spring and Summer.

I want to see my red slingbacks with white dots.

I want to wear my black high heel sandals.

I want to tuck my slippers away.

 

I want to rediscover all the shoes I have got tucked away, it is better than christmas!

 

I love shoes, but I have too many, it is so hard to choose which shoes to wear!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally.

Haha, I am raking David to Paris as a Birthday present.

Well we are not going for another month or two, but still tickets are booked and we are choosing hotels right now.

I am so looking forward to it.

It  is like a perfect dream come true, regadless of how disasterous the trip may be.

It is just as much a present to myself as to him. When he opened the present, and saw a couple of books ala fast guide to french, travle map book over Paris, top ten Paris etc....hehe.

I love having something to look forward to.

It is the best present I have ever given anyone.

And there is so much to do. As he said: we will be so tired when we get back because there is so much to do we will hardly get any sleep.

Happy Birthday my love.

Paris here we come.