I apolegise in advance to all my male friends, especially the ones starting with a C. However fact is that I have realised that although guys can be good as friends, besides that guys are gay.

 

I am sick of being lied to! I am sick of being used! I am sick of guys not being honest! I am sick of guys without guts! I am sick of guys playing my friends! I am sick of guys not explanining what they want! I am sick of guys not answering! I am sick of guys who make me sad! I am sick of guys. period!

 

Ok, to sum it up, I am rather frustrated at guys in general. Not just at one particular guy, although I can name several guys who are on my list of those I hold a grudge againts, but just in general I think guys have to watch out. I am in one of those girl power moods, and regardless of how much I may be in need of a shoulder to cry on, I dont want one! 

 

Well I do, of course. However it seems as if as soon as you get to know someone they stop being who you thought they were, and who they are trying to be, and instead transform into who they are because they no longer have to make an effort. Or you find out something about someone you have just let into your life, and suddenly that person is not at all who you thought they were. And if I am going to cry on someones shoulder, not saying I will, but if so, I want to know that it is someone I can trust.

 

You just never know where you have a guy!  Sometimes you think you have found a really good friend, but then he wants something more. Sometimes you find what you think is the perfect match, but the guy is to slow to see it or worse to act on it. Sometimes a guy even likes you, but when you need a shoulder to cry on he disappears. Sometimes you are kind of seeing someone, and that guy then turns out to be in a complicated relationship kinda with someone else too. Sometimes the guy you like is just a complete ignorant prick.

 

Who was it that said that girls were complicated? I am very straightforward, but guys on the other hand, seem to be lying, cheating, lazy, decitiful, selfish, insecure, and so on and so forth. And that is not really what I want, and it definately isnt what I need in my life right now. Yes I would not mind support, and just being able to break down and cry on someone's shoulder, but that is impossible since guys are gay!!!!!!!

 

Worst part is when you actually do find a perfect guy and he really is gay...

 

GUYS ARE GAY

 

(not to be taken to seriously) 

 

It is true. We all think that we are an exception to the rules, and although we may believe on principle, when something concerns us; it is different! Of course it is, because we are the center of our world. We are human beings, and we percieve things due to our previous experiences, values and so forth. However on the big whole, it is not that important after all.

 

It does not matter what happened to me a month ago, what you had to go through yesterday, or even what we did an hour ago. It is all less relevant.

 

So what is really of importance?

Plato failed to tell me that one, so why dont you tell me...I would like to know!

I know you are going through a rough patch right now, and there is not much I can do to make it better. I can only listen, comfort and support. It sounds so little, although it means so much. There is nothing elese I can do, besides maybe tell you I love you. Worst thing is I can not even take care of you, because we are not even at the same geographical place.

 

It is as if I start to feel sorry for myself, because I can not even be there! It makes me feel as a bad friend, and it makes me feel so guilty and sad. I wish I could be at two places at once, that I could give up everything which makes up my life, to come and be a part of yours, and puzzle the broken pieces of glass back together for you. But I can not be your glue, and I can not be your frame. I can not even be the one who pick the pieces up and cut myself on the sharp edges, it must be your blood, your tears and your strength -not mine.

 

If there is anything I can do, I hope you would tell me.

 

I want to ensure myself that you have a shoulder to cry on, arms to hold you tight when you need a hug, someone who cooks you food, and drops by with magazines, movies, chocolate, and  silently picks up all the tissues spread across the floor. Selfish as it may be, I need to know, just as much for my own sake as for yours. Because you mean so much to me, so I need to know that you are not in to much pain, and that when you are, you have someone to share it with. Someone who listen, someone who makes you laugh at yourself in your misery, someone who gets you through.

 

It is ok to be sad, to feel down, to struggle. It will not make me love you any less! But just remember; from here you can almost see the sea, you just have to look and imagine it at the horizon. I can see it too.

When we reach a deadline, time has run out, and whatever we have achived will have to be sufficient.

 

That is what makes them so scary, we work against a deadline, not towards one! We are trying to get as much as possible done before that deadline, and as a student I can often panic before a deadline trying to catch up on all the things I believe I missed in the process of worrying about the deadline.

 

Some of us actually try to avoid the deadlines all together, although in different ways. Either by realising that you will never be able to do to the best of your ability, and hence just surrender and let the deadline pass without you doing anything at all. Or you go about it the other way around, and delay the deadline, ignore the meaning of the word, and instead push it forward in time. This way although you may be able to perform better, you will suffer since there will always be another deadline coming up.

 

To learn to deal with deadlines, is one of the most important skills in life that we learn here at uni. Sadly many have still not learnt this, or are refusing to apply this skill on reality, but I suppose that is their own choice. However I do hope that it is something people figure out before it is too late, because there is one deadline you can not run away from. When my time is up, I dont want to look back on my life and say I could have done better if I would have had more time, or I could have achived alot more but due to the things that happened in my life I could not. That would be terrible, because those things are in fact my life. When we die, we have to face that.

 

If we are lucky we can learn and listen to others who learn to deal with their deadlines, and learn not to postpone things on to the future, or hide behind excuses and one day regret that nothing ever was done. Somehow those who are facing challenging deadlines seem so happy with life, even if I personally can not see what there is to be happy about. It is as if they can take pleasure out of  looking forward to what is yet to come for others, despite their time being up. When one have accepted the deadlines, one become so much more harmonic and at peace with the time which is left, and settle with the time which was lost.  

 

It is sad that it is a process often happening too late. I still cant understand how people who should be sad,  negative, angry and upset with the deadlines they have been forced to face, can be so content and positive, giving only one advice: stick to the deadlines, and enjoy working towards rather than struggeling against them.

"keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"

 

That is how the old saying goes, and I have never agreed with it. It may be a sensible cause of action, but I still want my enemies as far away as possible. However I realised during the last 24 hours, that I am my worst enemy, and you can not really get closer to your enemy than that.

 

I am the one who is most relucant to let myself be weak, or have flaws. I do not like excuses as to why I preform less than perfect, and I am not pleased with myself unless I am exceeding my own expectations. When there is a problem, I am the one least likely to see a valid reason for it, and I do not accept not coping with things.

 

In fact I can be nervous, anxious, worried, troubled and stressed, when everyone else seem to be understanding, sympathetic, and reassuring. Other people surprise me with their compassion, because personally I do notlet myself have a bad day. I am always at war, and the enemy I am fighting against is me and my own limitations. I do not like them. I do not accept them.

 

At times I may be forced to surrender, but to be at someone else's mercy, it makes me uncomfortable. No, and since I know myself so well, because I believe I do, I am also mymost stubborn and challenging contestant. From me there is never a moment of weakness which can not be used against me, a flaw which can not be a threat. I even sound paranoid when I try to explain it.

 

Basically I am a perfectionist.

I demand nothing but perfection, and that I do my best at all times. You are only as good as your worst day, and the definition of worst need to be severe before I can accept any exception to performing less than my very best. It may all sound awful, but I like being my worst enemy. Thus I always push myself forward, and to compete againts myself instead of others is  much better, especially since you get to be the judge as well. So although I am my worst enemy, it is a win win situation.

 

 

 

 

 

come spring: together we are a team,

everything will be just as easy as they seem.

 

you can paint a picture, on a map of grey,

let the buds explode, in a rainbow of shades.

 

let the water flow as a heavy shower,

washing away the forgotten lonely hour.

 

you can put an end to all the cold nights,

nothing can hide from your sight.

 

come spring: lets play this game,

let your glouriness bring me fame.

 

you can accentuate everything I am trying to achieve,

lets bring forward that sun and make it beam.

 

let the birds nest in my golden hair,

a touch of heaven with their singing in the air.

 

you can make it all start over,

lets go now and find that four-leaf clover.

 

come spring: we shall crown that king

 

 

 

 

Early spring is about to begin,

if you sit down you can hear the birds sing.

 

The grass is dry, so do not be shy,

from here you can better enjoy the blue sky.

 

Let your hair flow freely in the wind,

stroking softly against that stubbly chin.

 

As the birds are nesting so are we,

cuddeling close under that old oak tree.

 

We watch the water wash away what no longer is,

the grass whispering of what is yet to be,

when we kiss.

I am a politics student.

 

So what? That does not define who I am, and I am so much more than just a politics student. I remember the first day when I meet all the other politics students, and thought a bunch of boring nerds. I was wrong of course, there is a lot of good things to them, but yes I guess we may all be nerds with one exception of a flatmate of mine. But then now after my criminology exam, I have been drilled in sociology and we all have different roles in society. Me being a politics student is one of my roles. That role will whether I want to or not, become a part of me and influence my behaviour and me as an individual, because it is an inevitable social process ()wow I actually learned something in this course.

 

So what does being a politics student imply?

Besides the fact that we are all a bunch of nerds, due to it requiering hard core studying.  Well I suppose all I know is that when I was not involved in the student unions elections I felt embarrased. And I feel obliged to actually vote in things that concern me. All those principles actually matter. Then being a politics student means I stay focused on what is actually happening around me, both world wide and on a more local level. I am trying to think of all the different ways in which what I study influence me and my life. I suppose the knowledge that there are some kind of pictures I will never be able to do, not saying I want to, because it would ruin my career even  before it began. Things that I have been avoiding but which actually really matter is to be involved, discuss and listen. I am now trying to improve, starting yesterday.

 

So does me being a politics student mean I can no longer be me?

No after all I chose to study this, and I identified with it to begin with. I have just had a couple of months rebelling against it on principle, but that is over. I meanit is not my only role, and I can still mix it with wild and crazy things, or who is to say politics is not wild and crazy. It can certainly have all the drama of a tv show. So it is not too bad after all, to be a politics student.

I tend to plan everything in my life, and I make sure things actually happen when they are supposed to. To just sit around and hope for the best, that has never been my way of doing this in life. I act, and I can do many things at once. Especially if it is different things, that is how I find my energy to make it all go around. To feel motivated studying one degree, I simply do another simultaneously. To not be bored with studying, I need another reason to get me out of bed, such as running. And to feel that I still have a life, I want to surround myself with lovely people, have fun going out. Best of all to make it all into one beautiful mess, I make sure I am always dressed for the occasion, and if there is anything else to sqeeze intomy spare time I am just happy.

 

Everyone else is not like me.

Yesterday I was standing talking to two of my fellow students, and whilst one of them was like me, the other one had troubles getting out of bed in the mornings. Then the other student, said that well if you have one wheel spinning, it is easier to feel motivated to have two wheels spinning, and you are more likely to keep on spinning on two wheels than if you only have one. Well that may have been my words, but that is what she meant anyway. However sometimes my way of life get me into trouble, and in relationship it has in the past.

 

I used to want everything to happen straight away, in the same pace as I live my life, the pace I have described above. I think for most guys that was frightening, and the reason I could not be bothered. I blamed it on them not being comitted enough, or not making an effort, hence not being worthy and me just speeding on to the next one. However you can not rush love, it happens, and in order for it to work, you have to play it slow. So now I let everything else go in ultra rapid speed....but love will keep me sane, because my new policy is come what may.

 

Come what may.

Meaning if nothing comes out of it,  that is fine. Then it was not a waste of time, because I never spent that much time on it to begin with. And if it may, then why not let it take its time, I mean it is the beginning of things that are interesting. It also means that I dont have to put as much effort into things or worry, but instead can keep focused on spinning those other wheels. It means guys may feel intimdated by the fact that I have somuch going on in my life, and they may not realise how much time I would actually be willing to create just for that someone special. But neither will they be stressed into feeling things, or comitting themselves, because I have not got time to give away to just anyone....come what may.

 

 

I love my country, and I do especially love Stockholm.

 

A couple of years ago, when I was sweet 17 as my sister is now, I would never believe what I have just said. I wanted to get away, speak another language and I was so bored and frustrated with the swedish way of life. Now after having lived in several conutries, and being in touch with many different cultures I could not be happier to call myself swedish.

 

I was home last week. Beautiful white fields, a fox running across one, a couple of deers grazing at the outskirt of another and a kid playing with her dad in the snow.I love to travel, discover new ways of life, other values and cultures -it is something interesting and challenging. However it is only due to my heart having a dear place to call home, that I have got the strength to face all that new. I get back to Stockholm, and suddenly I blend into the crowd, I recognise all the food on the shelfs, and I can just relax. The guy sitting at the subway is the same, my hairdresser is as cheerful as ever, and it is the same buildings to walk pass. It is home.

 

Of course there are things with Sweden I disapprove of, and I have discovered many good things with other countries and cultures. It is just that my heart is still swedish, and hence I am never as happy as when I am home walking those streets.

 

 

I was watching Ice Age II last night, and it was not at all as good as I thought it would be. It was as if it had all lost its charm, and well maybe that was due to me being distracted by something even more charming...but it just was not that good! Somehow it was transformed it to yet another muscial love story where everyone live happily ever after. It completely ruined the whole concept of the ice age.

 

Because honestly why is it that everything that is supposed to matter nowdays is that Mammy get his female version? Why must it all be so serious, and love something desperate. What ever happened with going with the flow? Now there is even music illustrating that the Mammut will be lonely, such as "cry me a river"...honestly:

 

Who cares?

 

It should not always have to be about long lasting love, I mean what kind of pressure does not that put on your life?! Why do you have to plan your wedding as soon as you meet someone? I want to be able to enjoy life now, without being concerned or reminded about tomorrow. Where is the fun in that? I rather live today, than for tomorrow.....

 

 

I love my best friend! It is just such a priceless thing to have. And I especially love the phone calls in the middle of the night, when I am woken up and can not get back to sleep. Because it means she lets me be there for her as well.

 

Ok you do not need a best friend, but it makes your life so much easier. You see I always have someone who knows exactly not just what I am thinking, but how I am thinking. I have someone who can tell me what to wear, when I have been standing naked for two hours and my room has turned into a battlefield. I have someone who dont mind listening for hours and hours about that special guy who is on my mind. I have someone who will always back me up, who shares my principles and can agree that something is just pure "bullshit"! I have someone who I can call and wake up in the middle of the night.

 

I guess what happens after years and years of friendship, is that you become rather similar in some ways. But then again the differences are there, and it is just that you are so used to them as well. For example I am terrible at spelling, and I dont even have to bother, because I know that my best friend is an expert at it. So what that I suck in Maths?  she is the genius who just solve the whole equation one minute after she first glanced at it. I will never remember all the lines from all the movies I will never see, but I learn the necessary evil, through her, and at least make an effort from time to time due to her. Then I can always fall back on the excuse, there is no point in even trying, she will always back me up on that one. Unfortuneatly when I try to come up with something where I can actually back her up, hm...I could not. But then again, I am not my best friend, and I hope that she could.

 

But as I said there is more to our friendship than our differences, and our similarities are striking and wonderful at times. Like when we now are going through the same thing, at the same time, and really what could be more comforting than knowing that your best friend knows exactly how you are feeling? But well that she cant answer my question, that is unfortuneate, but when we will come up with the answer, that will have been something we have realised together.

 

Even when we are far away from one another, we can hence be very close. She knows my life inside and out. She remembers the things, that I forgot a long time ago. When I do not know the answer to a question, be it in movies, maths or what to wear, I can always pass it on. And so can she. Lets go and find that answer now shall we?

 

At least I have someone holding my hand.

I love you.

Have you ever had a crush? Have you ever been in love?

 

You know that feeling of happiness, confusion and concern. When everything is yet to be determined for better or worse, and you have no idea what tomorrow will actually bring.

 

You catch yourself day dreaming about that special someone. All you can think, talk or do is connected to that feeling and that person. You can not eat, sleep, study, be social, or do even the smallest task -because you are not really there. I mean it is like someone has cast a spell on you, and nothing really matters. Not right this moment anyway, you are just smiling in your own solitude, happy for no particular reason.

 

Because you do not know what will happen, and although you do worry, atleast you are feeling that rare blissful feeling. To know that there is such a thing as love, that you can feel like this for someone else,it is so precious.  I love this feeling, so even if it would all be over tomorrow,  it would all be worth it. It is worth it: to be hooked on that feeling once in a while, and be reminded of why love is so special, how it affects you and why you are looking for it. 

 

Of course you are dreamin of it all working out "loverely" but even if it does not, to be hooked on that feeling, to actually feel anything at all! God yes it is worth it. So I will be happy today, and wait with the sorrow until the morning, or whenever it may come. I have yet to find out what will happen, but for now I will take my refugee in feeling as the little mermaid sitting in that boat, Sebastian singing "Kiss the girl". That is how I feel, and I love it, even if I knew the ending I would not give this feeling of uncertainty up.

 

I simply enjoy this feeling of butterflies, day dreaming, and fairytales....although I am waiting for that bloody bird to start ruining the romance with his false voice. That is tomorrows sorrow.