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February 28 I am so excited, and I just cant hide itI am so excited. I love planning things, and especially f or others.
Tomorrow it is David's Birthday! Yay, I have no problem singing and dancing and swinging along with the Pointers Sisters screaming "I am so excited, and I just cant hide it!"
Thing is I am terrible at hiding my excitment, or keeping quiet. When I come up with the perfect present, I want that person to recieve it ASAP. To wait until midnight, is torture. The likelihood that I will spoil it all by saying too much, or just lose it all together and blurt it all out, hm well it is pretty big.
In fact even to wait until midnight may be a bit wrog, since you normally get birthday presents when you wake up. But this is the best birthday present ever and I cant wait until its my, I mean his birthday.
Hopefully it will be a success.
It is if nothing else a vey personal present, and the best thing I could ever dream of.
Also it is very typical me, a bit over the top as usual.
If nothing else it is something which makes me extremely happy, so I may even be a bit selfish.
I need to shut up, because what if he would read this before I see him tonight?
Audrey Hepburn will have to do for now.
February 26 Romance= surprise!Lately I have realised that when it comes to romance, I am not that bad.
My colleeges at work have made comments such as "why can't my girlfriend do stuff like that?" and "I wish you were my date for Valentines", the later said by a girl.
I love spoling those who are precious to me,
I love making their day a bit special.
Surprises is the key.
Everyone has become stuck in the ordinary stuff such as:
a home made dinner, going to the movies, eating out, buying a flower or giving a massage.
I say No Thank You! If everyone is doing it where is the fun in that?
The romantic things are usually unique, and sometimes not even planned.
Don't we all wish that when we come home from a hard day, someone will be home, having already made dinner and lit candles all around? Or having made a path of rose pedals, which you follow until you find your partner covered in nothing but rosepedals, or laying in a bathtub, with rosepedals and champange?
Or that when we are hung over, that special someone will suprisingly come over with breakfast and flowers, because he/ she knew that the fridge was empty and does not like you any less because you have a massive headache, and is wearing yesterdays underwear.
I think we need more surprises in the world. I think everyone deserve to be surprise, cheered up and cared for.
The trick is simple really: just do something you wish someone would do for you.
You will be surprised how much fun it will be. February 24 Shopping- necessary evil or unnecessary good?This last week has been a rather good week when it comes to updating my wardrobe.
I mean it is February, all the spring clothes are now in the stores. Then it is the weather:I am so sick of this grey, boring weet and never ending weather. I need spring to come with the buds, the birds (without the disease thanks), a warm breeze and a shiing sun!
The best way to help spring to come along is to dress encouraging in white, pastel colurs and skirts. Ignore the slush, the raindrops that ruin your hair and pretend that it is spring. It will hardly do any harm, um just make sure you wear knee high socks to your pumps, and you will not catch a cold. So that is what I decided to do, although it was not a hard choice since I just could not restrain myself any longer.
New jacket, with matching bag, and then skirts (I do not care that shorts are popular right now skirts and dresses just feel so much more feminine and so much more me), and tops (everyone knows that you need 6 tops to every bottom piece of clothing), and another cute cape/jacket, and so foth. However yes, it does feel great to have them, but I just cant seem to get enough of clothes!
Right now I am sitting here in a new marine looking skirt, a beige cardigan, a navy top and curly hair, with my new white/beige/grey leather jacket (short model of course) decorating my boyfriends sofa, and I must admit I am wearing stockings. Stay ups of course, I would never disappoint you Holly, but still it is as depressing as the weather outside the window. Grey sky, no sun, and white snow. I hate the slush the most.
I am as everyone probably know a shopoholic. Clothes, accesories and bags are ways in which to express myself and lighten up my day. It makes me happy, but many would say it is an unnecessay hobby and that I should waste my energy on something else such as women's rights. Personally I believe it is possible to do both. Being well dressed may not be necessary, and yes it is time consuming, but I like it. It may not make me feel any better, but it helps me not to feel any worse.
Maybe there are those who will look at me and think that I am a bit optimistic, but someone may be encouraged to challange the weather and cheer herself up in some new fun spring clothes. Then we can all go around like green buds, and flowers, shining and then it will both feel and look a wee bit more like spring.
Time to go and find a matching pair of pumps. February 23 To choose between the impossibleHave you ever asked yourself what you would do if you had two choose between two options, neither better than the other?
The night before last I saw the movie SAW, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. First of all it is a good scary movie, which actually has an unusual theme.
However I think we all once or twice have had to choose between two equally disasterous choices? Like the plague or cholera.
I was asked the impossible question: So if you could only save one of your sisters, who would you choose?
I mean it is absolutley absurd, and I have no answer. That is the one thing I could never do, then I would rather sacrifice myself and save both. I hope I never have to make that choice, because I love them both just as much. The thought however is really creepy, especially when you can not choose.
It became even more creepy when I realised that if my boyfriend had to choose between his sister and me, he would probably not choose me. I mean blood is thicker than love. It became even worse when you saw a woman cut her soulmates stomach open and making him bleed to death, because this was the only way to save herself. I could never live with myself if I had to do something like that. Which I never will.
Anyway even in reality we have to make impossible choices, and hope that we take the right road. Right now I just do not know what I want the most.
I have a once in a life time opportunity to get the career I have always wanted, to study things that really interests me, and get out into the big big world. It is something I have really fought hard for, dreamed of and now it has become reality.
I have also found something so rare, that I do not want to let it go. I have found myself someone I would like to share my future with. Someone who makes me happy, see life in a different light, and makes me appreciate life for what it is, with all its limits.
Even though I can have both, it will never work out. It has not for anyone else, so although I should have faith, I am not sure I am willing to risk it. I cherish it too much. Somehow my life is always like this, and it is probably the beauty of it all.
You can not have it all, and the impossible choices makes you aware of how lucky you are to have what you have got.
T
I guess those impossible choices defines who you are.
February 22 Post-it baby!Today I covered by boyfriend's apartment with post-its'.
You know those yellow little notes, that stick to everything?
With small little unnecessary messages, everything from nicknames, to things I have not said in a while, to things he needed to know.
To make it even better, I put them everywhere:
under the toilet seat, in the fridge, on mirrors, on the floor, on the computer, in the aquarium etc.
Those everyday ways of saying I care for you, and you mean a lot to me,
they are the best way to feel loved.
Surprises you do not expect, but just are there when you open the door and turn on the light late at night, utterely exhausted after school, work and exercising.
Maybe I was not there in person, but I was there in thought.
So the next time you have something to say, and want to brighten up someone's day,
put post-its here and there, and everywhere
with sweet little nothings.
February 20 Wild horsesI feel these four walls closing in, face up against the glass I am looking out.
Is this my life I am wondering, it happened so fast, how do I turn this thing around?
Is this the bed I choose to make, its green as pasture I am thinking about why the open space is far away from here
All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared.
Wild horses I want to be like you. Growing closer to the wind, I will run free too. Wish I could breaklessely love, like I am longing to.
I see the girl I want to be, riding bareback carefree along the shore.
If only that someone was me. Jumping head first, headlong with out a home.
To act and damn the consequence, how I wish it could be that easy.
But fear surroneds me like a fence, I want to break free.
All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared.
Wild horses I want to be like you. Growing closer to the wind, I will run free too.
Wish I could breaklessely love, like I am longing to.
I want to run with the wild horse.
I want to run to you.
Breaklessely abandoning myself for you, I want to open up my heart and tell you what I feel. February 16 Gone missingHave you ever lost something?
You have left it somewhere, and you know exactly where, but the very next second it is gone?
I hate that.
Then comes the drama of trying to find it, by remembering if it could possibly be anywhere else? In how many places could it be? Exclude, and seek.
Last night, I know for a fact that David's ipod and my buscard was placed on the buearu in the hallway, next to the front door. I also know that the front door was locked.
This morning when we were about to leave the house, both had gone missing. There is three possibilities.
1) Either of my sisters took them to school, borrowed them so to speak.
2) They put them somewhere else, annoyed with the laying there when they tidyed up.
3) Someone random opened the front door, perhpas with the intention of breaking an entry and, saw two valueable posessions. When hearing voices in the apartment, this someone quickly grabbed them and then disappeared.
I am hoping that it is either number 1 or 2, because the idea of number three is creepy. Especially since I am home alone at the moment. February 15 Hawaii- a tropical ValentinesThe 14th of February, Valentine's Day
Right now I am in Hawaii, my own little tropical paradise.
Outside of course everything is covered in snow, and there is no sun to be seen.
I think Valentine's is a commerical unnecessary day, and do not really need a specific day to do romantic things. However, since this day exist, we decided to at least have a cozy night together with a nice dinner at home. Then I thought that it sounded so boring in the end, that I just had to come up with something. Not the usual stuff, that everyone is getting eachother, such as roses, going out for dinner, chocolate etc..but well something different!
I got my inspiration from a store full of custumes, practical jokes, and fun details. It stood between a French guy with a French Maid- but the food is so typical, seeing my boyfriend in a Scottish beard with a matching skirt, but what was I to wear and the food is so horrible, not to mention that I am not tha fond of Whiskey. So the flightticket to an unknown destination, took me to Hawaii.
Me in the whole outfit, and him in a hawaii shirt, a touristy image with cameras hanging around his neck, and well nice food. I have done myhomwrok February 13 being there- the best thing in lifeI have said it before and I will say it again:
the best thing in life is the people who are there for you, who support and love you.
Someone I can wake up in the middle of the night, by calling and crying.
Someone who I do not need to ask to be there for me, or tell that I need at that very moment, but who understands and that I can rely on.
Someone who does not make me feel guilty for interupting a romantic dinner, the scariest scene in a movie, or the important hours of sleep before a test.
Someone who I know will not judge me, think that it is not important enough, but simply listen and give me the comfort I need.
Someone like that I consider my true friend, and love more than anything.
Someone like that I would do anything for, and I am grateful for those someone's in my life.
However it is scary when you think you can count on someone, and they prove you wrong. I am not one of those people who think it is easy to call out for help, or say I need you. Hence when I do, even if it is not the most important thing in the world, I expect that person to be there for me. If he or she is not, then I will start to question that relationship, and the importance I should let that person have in my life. I will never call that person again, not until they have rebuilt the trust and support, I thought was present in the first place.
No one can hurt me as much as those someone's and nothing can hurt me as much as those someone's not being there for me.
It does not matter what the excuse may be. If something else is considered more important, that means that you have put a value to my feelings, and considered them less important than I do. It means that you know that I need you, but leave me alone, to deal with things without you. It means that I should not need you.
Of cours people always need to prioritice, and I am not the center of the world. But love, support and an explanation- may be all that I need. If you can not spare five minutes, then why should I put down the energy I put down for those someone's in my life?
If you do not care for me enough, that is saying something!
If you do, you are a very special part of my life.
Which one is it?
February 12 Shared joy-double joyHave you ever been so happy, that you started jumping up and down, running around and just wanted to scream out of joy??
It may not be something extremely important, but it may have the potential of becoming a major life changer....anyway I normally want to share these things, at least after a moment to let it become real. Then I ran around, jumped up and down and when I finally found Mum and Dad, I said "Guess what..........!!!!" Instead of the
"How wonderful",
"We are so proud/happy for you" and "
That's great hunny"
All I got was two perplexed faces, some comments along the lines of
"so?"
"that does not mean anything for me" and
"why should we care"
My sister on the other hand really got it, and not only told my parents that they were being mean, but also comforted me and shared my joy. Anyway then when I was touched by my little sisters concern, who really is not that little, since she is actually turning 16 tomorrow and is very insightful, Guess what:
I call my dear boyfriend, to hope for a better response. What do I get?
Well he was watching a movie, neither really interested, or having the moment to spare so that I could share my joy with someone.
I guess sometimes all you have got is your sister and that may just be the greatest gift of all.
February 10 Study techniqueTomorrow morning is my first exam. It is worth a fifth of the course, and I need to pass it, although I will get other chances to do so.
It has been ages since I sat down and had a real exam, at least something which actually mattered. Here I am once again, in true Kungsholmen spirit, studying inside and out. I guess the pressure and the competition still is out there.
However I have realised that now I am free to do things in my own way. Lectures are not compulsory, neither the group exercises. The notes from the lectures are available on the internet, and old exams as well. That is pretty much everything you need. Our proffesor is so typical. You come to a lecture prepared, having read the chapters in the book in advance, although it is not very necessary since he follows the books so closely. You sit down and after three hours, you leave the room with the 600 other students, more confused than when you entered. The sad thing is that it goes for the proffesor too, that is how blurry his lectures are. It is no point even attending if you are tired, becuase everyone have problems staying awake, and the two 15 minutes breaks are hardly enough, not even combined with coffee and caffeine. There are two reasons to even bother getting up in the morning and attending a lecture:
1) the eye candy in form of heaps of guys, between 20-25, the majority in a nice shape and form, with a brain!
2)It is a social event, where you get to know new people and can discuss what you are studying.
Today when I discussed economic theories that are supposed to be on the test, and definitions, with a friend and fellow student, we discovered that we did things in opposite ways. I have read the book, which is half a huge text book, which we got two weeks ago, around 300 pages, about two times, and read an old exam afterwards to see if I understand everything and if I can answer the question.
She has instead focused on old exams, but without thourghouly reading the book. So she is aware of the type of questions likely the come on the exam, but she can not answer the question why it is a certain answer or give an elaborate answer.For me it is important to know the reasoning behind something, not just if it is right or wrong. It is alot to learn in a very short time, and her way of doinf things may give a higher result tomorrow, but even if I have to do this all again atleast I will know something.
I guess we all do things differently. Study technique is about learning and remembering, but what about knowing? I can learn that 2+2=4, and remember it at an exam, but will that help me explain why 4+4=8? Will I see the bigger picture?
What is more important? Quick results, or accumulating knowledge?
I guess my own view upon the matter is pretty obvious.
February 07 Follow your dreamsI have just realised something. Of course it is nothing new, but sometimes you just have to experience it yourself before the words become meaningful.
Most of us have gone the middle way, we have played it "safe". We study something broad, torture our selves with Maths, and take a degree from University in something we probably never imagined that we would be doing for the rest of our lives when we were kids. Our talents, they remain hobbies. Such as writing, painting, playing soccer, or singing. Why? Because how many actually manage to make a decent living out of their dreams? Maybe because we are scared.
Then there is a few, who instead have dared to follow their dreams. It is not about making it, but making the best of their talent, to at least know that they have tried their best. With that curage, and determination they have a chance of making it though. A much greater chance than we who play it safe ever will.
Two of my talented friends, have already started to make it out in the big world. Step by step they can spend more and more time, doing exactly what they enjoy doing. They get appreciation, and can develop their talents. In a few years time the might decide to do something else, maybe take a degree in Economics or become a tecaher. But they are living the life of their dreams.
I admire them for that. February 06 Suicide- you are in my thoughtsI believe that everyone is responsible for his or her own life. You can always decide how you want to live your life, even if you can not control everything around you. When you are not happy, at least you have realized that and can do something to change the situation. So I can not understand how you can just give up, and decide that your life is not worth living!
This is the forth time during a time period of a year that my life is somehow faced with this issue. It may be someone you know, someone you used to chat to on the street, a friends friend, or someone you love. The thought of ending one's life, is a present thought in peoples mind. There are those who do not see the joy in living, the love and support of others, and the strength in themselves. They need attention, they need help and they need love. But that is never enough.
I am currently reading the book Siddharta by Hermann Hesse, a Nobel price winner in literature. It is certainly a book worth reading, and I am not just saying that because it is both my mother's and my boyfriend's favorite book. It is all about life, finding inner peace, and the meaning of life, living and how we should live life. I would tell anyone who were considering suicide to read that book.
Suicide also affects others. I have seen the consequences of suicide influence one of my most dearest loved one's lives, and now it is affecting a friend of mine. If someone is considering suicide you do of course want to help, you try your best to prevent it from ever actually transforming from thoughts into action. At some point you just can not take it anymore. Instead of enjoying your own life, you will be constantly anxious about his or hers, you will have to control what is going on and how that person is feeling, have arguments over and over again and you do get hardly anything in return. It is hard to decide when you should give up on someone, because it is ruining your own life.
Some let others know what they are thinking about, whilst others hang themselves and leave a letter of explanation to a stunned world.
If you do now know what the person is thinking about, you will blame yourself for not knowing, not caring enough and figuring out that something was wrong.
If you do know for how long can you prevent it, if it is really what he or she wants? If you can not handle it anymore, will you be able to forgive yourself in he or she does in fact commit suicide? Or will you think that you did not try hard enough?
The attitude in general is that suicide is something that is wrong. We despise those who even consider it as an option, it is "weak" to do so. If someone does not manage to commit suiced: maybe he or she is found by a mother, or a friend calls the ambulance becuase she is becoming nervous that the person is not answering her cellphone - if the person does not die, then we no longer respect that person. Someone said today that
"if you really want to do it, you jump infront of a train or something, otherwise you just want the attention"
It made me angry. First of all I think suicide is considered selfish by society. Why? Well simply because others are so affected by it. The general attitude is that everyone should be responsible for their own life, and if they can not handle it then that should not be anyboyd else's concern. We care to little about the people around us, we do not want to be bothered more than we choose ourselves. But when someone we know commit suicide we have no choice, and it is a shock, it scares us.
Is suicide a brave or a cowardice thought/ action?
Some as mentioned above do consider it selfish and cowardice because you do not dare to face another day, see the joy in the challange, and you do not care enough about the misery and pain you will bring to others.
But is it not an inkling of bravery in suicide? I am not saying it is the right thing to do, but to dare to actually go through with it, to face death which is human kinds biggest fear, there is few who does. Otherwise we would all be dead. February 04 Wonderful -Blonder, StrongerYay....
Woken up by boyfriend this morning, who did a surprise visit to give me some kisses before he started work.
Going to the hairdresses to look smashing, since my neck hurt like hell and I need to be cheered up, and since I am going back to square one tomorrow.
Heaps to look forward to just because we are going back to square tomorrow....I mean people to meet, things to share with my boyfriend and David/ David sharing information. Guess that should in fact scare me, I mean there are some stories about my past as a teenager I would like to be left untold, but well it will be so fun.
Me, David and Maxine in a car for four hours in total. Yay...they are stuck with me. Too bad I will not be the one picking the music, since as Homer said yesterday "When you drive you get to pick the music", and I do not have a drivers' yet. Need to grow up soon, so I should work on that.
Speaking/ writing of it, I am thinking about moving out of home. Well I pretty much live with David, but I mean getting my own little place. At least if I am not going to UK in September. It is long over due.
Life is great, and if the hairdresser will not totally fuck up, it still will be in a couple of hours.
Yay...I am blonder, stronger and um smarter? Like it.
February 03 Thrown off a horse- bruised and batteredHave you ever had your life flashing infront of you, and the thought "ok this is it"??
If not then I have a horse to recommend.
I went to the stable. Nothing strange about that, and I felt confident since it is something I have done before, and not a new experience. The horse however was a nervous wreck with a bad history, and pretty big too. Anyway it was a bareback saddel, something I had not tried before, so there was no support for my legs or feet to keep the weight down and me on the horse. To make matters worse this was a horse with a sensitive mouth and belly, so I could not control it much. It worked for a while, but then it just went crazy, and started running amook. I actually managed to stay on for a several very long minutes, but my legs and feet had nothing to keep control with. It, which goes by the name of Saimon (a bad coincidence with the name, should have known) then decided it had had enough and I fell off. It was a gentle touch down, and I stood up instantly. Poor David was terrified and anxious. I did get back in to the saddle, when we had changed it into an ordinary one, and although that horse is not to be trusted I am not afraid of horses, and I still enjoy riding.
Thus back to the near death experience. Dad being a spin surgeon, have had many cases of more experienced riders coming in with a broken back and becoming paralysed for the rest of their lives. I got off easily with some bruises and a sore bum, back and neck. Besides my never improving neck condition and the effects this might have on my slow recovery, nothing to whine about. I did not die, I may have lost control and in a whole new way, but atleast I managed to pull myself together, and it was not that bad. Hopefully I will still think that way when I wake up in the morning.
If I can be kicked off a horse, fall almost two meters in a high speed and stand up on my own two feet the next second, then I sure as hell can find the curage to get back in the saddle. Nationaleconomy, with all the Maths, curves and three dimensional graphs -suddenly seem less threatening. I may whine about frozen toes, but I did not whine about falling off that horse. I still can not believe it actually happened. I have been on a horse back since the age of seven, and this is the first time I have been kicked off a horse.
If you want to feel alive, but also be reminded of how fragile the gift of life can be -lose control and get up on a crazy horse in bareback saddle. There is a risk of breaking a bone or two, and maybe even be paralysed or in worse case scenario die, but you will get a hell of a rush. We live so safe lives, that we need to dare to challange the saftey we are surronded by. If you are lucky, then you will not have to face the consequences alone.
Guess who instantly came running and then afterwards gave me a nice comforting massage? Dressed for successI believe in being dressed for success.
It is not that I am vain, extremely interested in fashion or insecure (maybe I am but it is besides the point); I just want to be suitable for every occasion.
It is a sport.
If I am going to watch a game of soccer, then that is what I am going to dress for in matching clours to the team I am supporting.
If I am going to the stable to take care of horses and maybe even ride one, well then I want to wear something which is beautiful and suitable.
Being practical has never been my first priority. Of course you can be that too, but like today when I am going to the stable I just want to look extrordinary and wear the clothes I would not wear if I was going to a lecture or out partying. Because I love my clothes, I love making new combinations and I love looking my best.
I am not going to wear jeans, a warm hoody and look utterly functional but boring. Yes indeed it may be a good idea to wear clothes that I do not value to highly, since I then do not have to worry about getting my hands dirty. However who said I could not wear my precious clothes and still get messy.
Maybe I am just vain, but I have never been told that I can not dress for an occasion. February 02 The tricky question -do you know the answer?Two days ago I was challanged with a tricky question:
How do you draw a circle with a dot in the middle (think of a breast from above), without lifting the pen from the paper?
I tried several times, which became hours, but I just could not do it. I tried filing in the circle, I tried doing it in three dimensions and in the end I just felt silly. It was impossible.
Then I sent out a mass txt msg to heaps of my friends. I figured that someone must have the answer!!!
What I had not accounted for was the variety of response I got. Most people did answer, not very suprising maybe, since I had specifically said that it was important (but why that was so is another story). It was such a thrill to not just have my friends respond, but also giving an answer which reflected their personality and our relationship. I could not stop laughing. Of course I tried all the advice, and I may add that I am grateful for all the help.
Two people figured it out, out of how many?, but one of them a day too late. Anyway the other one answered ASAP, and I could finally relax. I hate not knowing the answer to a question. So I am going to give it to you, if you do not want to know then do not continue to read this.
You fold the paper, starting with drawing a dot, and then letting the pen draw on another piece of paper and then you can get awat from the middle and draw a circle around the dot. Very clever.
I am stupid. At least I have smart and supportive friends.
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