Katarina's profilekiwikatPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
January 30 the unforgivableWe all make mistakes.
It is in our nature to make mistakes, because that is how we learn, and develop as human beings. I am not denying that, and I am not saying it is impossible for me to forgive others. In fact I think I can forgive quite alot of things really, friends do have arguments, people do forget that you asked for something to be a secret, sisters do "borrow" your clothes, parents do make mistakes, and boyfriends can accidently insult you. That is all ok.
However there is certain things I have never been able to forgive. Betrayal, Lies, Back stabbing; I consider them the cardinal sinsof friendship. Your sisters you have to forgive everything, they are your sisters, and since you have lived together your entire lives, if they do lie, or betray that secret, it is not the end of the world. You will be sisters nonetheless and you are above those things. But I only have two sisters, and I do not need anymore. For everyone else I have another way of looking at things.
The fundamental principles in my life is honesty, compassion and humility. Within these three there are of course love and trust, as if that was not clear. I like to surround myself with people who make me feel good, who I care about, and who care about me. If I can not trust them, if they are not honest, then I do not want them around simply because then they will not make me feel good, and I will not enjoy life.
Hence there are actually some things which I do consider unforgivable. Lying to my face, talking behind my back, bitching, and not telling the truth are the main ones. It is ok, when someone you do not care about that much prove to be doing these things, although at my age it is becoming rather rare to encounter such problems. It is extremely more painful when someone you actually cared for, trusted and thought mattered, prove to be unreliable, and a complete bitch. I remember when I was 14, and was in a group of girls who were all rather insecure. I have no intention of ever getting caught in such a complicated and painful mess ever again, because to find out that your friends are not your friends -its is painful.
Hence I have made this rule. Certain things are unforgivable, and if you break those things you do not deserve a second chanse. Why not, if now nobody is flawless? Well you see we all make choices, and now when we are not 14 anymore, we not only know what is right and what is wrong, but we are also old enough to act accordingly. People who dont, meaning people who do backstab, lie, and break your trust, must have fundamentally different principles in life than I do, and if they do not consider those things important, they will never appreciate me, and they will certainly never deserve my friendship.
So certain things remain unforgivable.
January 29 the windHave you ever felt like nothing is happening in your life, it is all standing still, and you are going nowhere? Then all the sudden, a wind breeze blow you away and you have problems keeping your feet on the ground.
At least that is what my life has been like for the last week. I know not yet where to the wind will blow me, but it is a brisk breeze and I guess i should be grateful for it moving me forward. However I must say it is useful with a wind who moves away the clouds, and suddenly you see everything in a different light. Then it shifts ever so slightly, and perhaps the wind go still and silent.
It is when you feel like you are in the middle of a hurricane, that you realise what it is that makes you keep standing. In the middle of the hurricane, eveything is still, the eye as its called is like being stuck at the bottom of a well, seeing the light somewhere straight above you, and knowing that the way out will be as painful as it was when you got stuck there in the firts place. You may not be turning things back to what they once were, but you will keep on spinning.
I dont mind the spinning, because I realized when I was stuck there all alone in the middle of the eye, that whilst some things keep changing, others will always remain the same. It doesnt matter in which light I am standing, where the wind may blow me, or how fast I am spinning. It doesnt matter, because I know what is important, and I know who my friends are. They are the ones who will be there, and hold my hand through the storm. When I am blown ashore at some distant island, they are the ones who will keep my spirit up and help me find the tools to build a raft and get the hell out of there. In fact they are my refuge.
Sometimes it takes a brisk breeze before you realise who they are, and how much they actually mean to you. Even when you do not rely on them, just that knowledge that they would support you, listen to you, comfort you and catch you, -that is enough to get me through. Whilst everything may be blowing away from me, or I may be blown away myself, my friends are not going anywhere, they are the wind.
January 28 quantity vs. qualityWhat is it that really matter? Is it the quantity or the quality of things?
For example if you only have £1000 to go shopping for, how would you spend them? It may seem like a lot of money, but you have spent that amount of money on clothes in your life. You can go to H&M, Primart, and River Island and get plenty of clothes, shoes, bags and accesories. Or you go to Karen Millen, Armani and DKNY and buy a few items only. There is a difference between the two, besides the value of the brand as such. In the first case you get alot more stuff, because everything is cheaper. However it is cheaper for a reason, and if you choose the second alternative you are guranteed a better quality, such as 100% cashmer tops, although you will not get as many of them.
If I look at my own selection of stuff, I think I compromise between the two. Quality is extremely important, so if I only had those two straight cut answers I would go for quality. However I rather spend a little money on quantity as well, because although I want my bag to be in pure leather, it really does not matter when it comes to an extra party top. The basic, essential stuff is where it does matter, and they are worth spending both time and money getting.
This may all sound very shallow, but apply this to your social life, and you will see how you prioritise. What is that you think matter the most? Having plenty of friends, or having a few who are really good friends. For me I think I have the same principle there, although it is not connected with money, but with time. Because my time is limited, and I rather have one good friend than 10, if that one is loyal, honest, caring and supportive. That friend is then worth as much in return, and you can not have that many friends who are that close to you, simply because you will not have time for them. Then of course you can have plenty of other friends as well, but they will not be as important.
So I will follow the best advice my grandad ever gave me and always look for quality, and never fall for the illusion of quantity.
January 27 to take a chanceIn order to get what we want, we are usually required to take a risk.
If we want to get a promotion, we will have to apply for it, maybe compete with co-workers before you finally may get it or find out you were not the right person for the job. Then of course you will have to face that disappointment in public, since everyone not just you will know that you failed. Hence the risk.
The same goes when you like someone.
You have to put yourself out there, so that others know that you are willing to take that risk. Chances are you will have trouble finding someone you like and who likes you in return. Chances are you will be rejected, and that everyone will know about it. However that risk is just necessary, because eventually it will all be worth it.
Whether or not you are applying for a promotion, a new job, or actually letting the guy you like know that you are interested in him, you have to have faith in yourself. Otherwise it will never be worth it, and you will have a difficult time when you are forced to face a disappointment. If you do not get the promotion, you have to have enough faith in yourself to say that it may not have been the job you wanted, or if it was that you can still get there. If it is a man instead whom rejects you, the chances are still many and it does not have to mean that something is wrong with you, or that everyone else is better. You have to put yourself out there before you will be able to find out if he is willing to do the same, and if he is really what you are looking for. Chances are he is not, but there is only one way to find out.
To take a risk, means that you will compete with others. Competition can be fierce, frightening, and intimidating. Some of us like to compete, some of us hate it. I played badminton for the firts time in 7 years, and I felt so silly, nervous and especially since my opponent had played badminton for his college!! However I was not competing against him, but rather against myself. He was just a tool, a teacher, in the process of me making progress. So are the other applicants, or the girls the guy you like may be seeing, they are not your enemies. In fact the only enemy is you, and it is by comparing yourself to others, worrying and maybe even doubting taking that risk that you let yourslef beat you. Do not let yourself lose faith in yourself,
take that risk!
Even if it does not turn out the way you wanted it to, at least you will have the experience. You will not have to think about all the "what if's" that would otherwise rather soon accumulate. You take the chance, win or lose, and if you lose what you put out there, was more a dream than the reality you live in. You still remain, and so does your faith. January 26 it never stopsYou know when you have broken up with a partner, someone has died or you have lost a friend. Remember what people use to say? Everyone always say that it will get better, that it will stop hurting and that it is all just a matter of time.
I have news for you, it never stops!
The pain does not just simply one day disappear. It is always there, present, because the pain becomes a part of you. In other words that pain, which originate in the losses, disappointments etc you are forced to face, really defines you. You learn to live with them. You learn to keep on smiling, laughing and have faith in what tomorrow can bring.
However that pain is still omipresent, and it does not fade away.
Just because you get used to it, does not mean you are ok, and never hurt. You just hide it really well. You just get sick of sharing it with everyone else, and keep it to yourself.
Time does not heal a wound, because there are some wounds that go too deep, some wounds that never stop bleeding. Some wounds that never will heal, and this loss is one of them. ...
it never stops,
I will always miss you! January 25 when is it worth it?Life is about choices, sacrifises and priorities.
But when do you know that it is worth it?
When do you know for sure that the choices you have made are the right ones, and that you have gotten your priorities right? Is it actually possible to know that you are heading in the right direction?
We all have goals, but in order to get there we make choices and adapt our lives, so that one day that goal will be achieved. It may be that we decide that something is extremely important in our lives, a person, a principle, a faith, or a place. Then we decide to stick to that. We may follow someone across the globe because he or she is so important, we may decide that honesty and love is the most important things in life, we may believe in God, or we may decide that this is where I want to live my life and stay in that place.
In order to make that choice, and priorities, we need to know that it is worth it. We need to be happy with that choice, even though you know your life could have turned out very differently. Personally I have found my convictions, and hence my priorities. Now I am forced to make my sacrifises, and that is when you start to question it all, the little seed of doubt is slowly growing. Because you can not have it all, so it does not matter if you would prefer both to keep the cake and eat it. It is not possible.
For me I am certain that my choices were the correct ones, and that it is the right thing for me. But at times the sacrifises just seem so big, and it just does not seem worth it. That is the struggle, and I suppose I wont really know the answer, until I am there. However, you have to believe it in order for it to matter, in order for you to actually get there. Otherwise you will never get anywhere at all.
So when looking back, there is one thing I am grateful for. I finally know who I am, what I want, and what I consider important. I have found that security in myself, so even when I am in doubt, miss home or my best friends, I know that it is worth it. It is worth it because after all, I am proud to be who I am, and I stay true to myself, that is my first priority.
January 24 Why people are afraid of the truththe truth is out there
We know it is, and we can not do anything about it. The truth exists, and everything said against it is called lies. However most people are terrified of the truth. It is too much to handle, and it is easier to ignore it, hide from it or pretend,than actually acknowedging it.
Because the truth is not what we want to hear!
Neither is it an easy thing to handle, nor a nice cuddly hug which will make you feel better. The truth is scary, it is honest and it does not really care about how it makes you feel. Rather it is just there, and you have to deal with it. It is why we are terrified of the truth: we have to deal with it, we can not control it.
You can not decide to mendle with the truth. It just is what it is, it does not want your approval, itis not going to change just for you. We tend to try to manipulate the truth, moste often by lying and going behind peoples backs. Instead of telling the truth, we avoid it. We can hold opinions, we can know that something is wrong, but to actually take the courage to say so, is not something we do often or willingly.
What would happen if you told the truth?
I mean the truth is out there, but can you decide to live with it? Most often when people tell the truth, it is not appreciated. Neither by the person you are telling nor those who are not telling themselves. Because as well as being painful and harsh, the truth is complicated. That is why you normally shoot the messenger, it makes you feel better and means you can choose not to ackonwledge the truth. Instead you can go back to a world of pretending, illusions and backstabbing.
But why is the truth so complicated?
I mean after all, the truth is the least complicated thing on earth. The solutions as to why the sky is blue may be many, but the fact remains: the sky is blue. It is the truth! The truth is complicated because we have gotten so used of avoiding it, of pretending, and so afarid of the truth -that we can no longer handle it. It is like having a ghost in a room which everyone can see, but we all belive that ghost does not exist so we pretend like it is not there, like we do not want to ask why there is a ghost in the room. Because if you can see a ghost, and let others know that, and worse if they see it too, then how will you explain it? The truth is ghost does not exist, and we do not want them to either.
If I said I saw a ghost, and I knew it was the truth, I would take a big risk. People may find it easier just to call me mad and lock me up in a mental hospital. They may come up with many different solutions as to why that ghost was not a ghost but merely some natural phenomenom or worse a part of my imagination. But they are not going to spend their time acknowledging that I may be right.
And I cant make them. But even so, we all have to live with the fact that :
The truth is out there
Do you dare to face it? January 15 home isI am back at Uni, after being with my family for a month over christmas. During this period I was missing uni so much, it was good to be back with family, old friends and old habits, but it did not feel like home anymore. Instead it was the people I had been seeing on a day to day basis that I missed. It felt wierd not knowing what they had been up to last nite, or walking in to a kitchen full of cheerful people and empty beer cans.
Now I am here in my little cell, surronded by familiar noises such as; the howling of the wind as it passes underneath the fire door, the squeeking noises of my flatmates bed due to the fact that he has got a girl over, and the music from some random flat below. It is no news, and I am used to it. I feel at peace here. But not at home.
I thought I would, I thought I did. Then it only took a month to prove me wrong. During that month I once again got used to my sisters reading English novels out loud and drinking tea, my cat greeting me in the hallway when I get home, and my mother falling asleep whilst me and my father watch a movie. Right now although I am glad to be back, I miss them.
Home is where your heart is, and mine is split in two. In one way I guess that is good, because it means I feel comfortable at both places. But it also means I am never really home. January 05 the infamous butterfliesIt has been a while, and for a while there I did not even know why. Then I suddenly realized that the fact that I was trying to find an answer, made it even more difficult to come back. So here I am.
I have been confused, seeking for answers without asking a question. Now I am, because ones I stood still, the butterfly sat down on my nose and spread out its pretty wings. It was not as unlikely as it may seem in the middle of winter, because I was surrounded by hundreds of them. However any attempts to try to catch them proved disasterous, and I ended up with the option of the creepy fishes or dirty bushes, as I stumbled on a rock. Do not worry, I have never been better, and it gave me another perspective to finally sit there with leaves in my hair, and children pointing because I looked so ridiculous.
Never mind, the point is that those butterflies are rather important. At least I think so as I posed my question: When it comes to relationships and love, are there any guidelines?
If so what is it that matter, and when do you know that it is someone you like enough to take it to the next step or the second date?
I have tossed out the rule book, and I am not taking it back. That was a tough lesson, but necessary. You can never change a man, and what you see is what you will get. But does that mean that one should wait for that "struck by lightening" feeling, that comes along like ones a century? I mean I know first hand that love at first sight does indeed exist, but I am not sure it is enough or necessarily that it is a good solid base for a relationship. It certainly is no gurantee that it will last.
Hence I am left with the butterflies, or as a man would put it the "gut feeling". You know and that is it. Personally for me what is important is not that me and my best friend can tick off a long list of requirements. If you meet anyone who you can talk to for hours, feel relaxed with and who make you laugh -then it is worth getting to know that person a bit better. However it must not mean that you will end up together. There is so much more to life than one sort of relationship, and one kind of love. Anyone who can give me butterflies, is not going to end up as my next partner, mainly because I dont settle for butterflies.
Butterflies are wonderful, beautiful and surprsing creatures.
They can disappear just like that, and sometimes you are never able to pin point them. They are just there, steering up your stomach, and making your day a bit more beautiful and joyful. One should certainly enjoy it, but it is not enough to rely on. In fact what is?
I dont know |
|
|
